When we’re in love, we understandably want to know if it’s going to last. We want to make sure our commitment is a worthy investment or if we’re wasting our time. Lucky for us, there is one way to suss out if your current person is your forever person or not.
In a viral TikTok, Alyssa Caribardi explains the “bird test theory,” which essentially posits that the way your partner responds to you showing interest in something insignificant, such as a bird outside, can help gauge the long-term compatibility of the relationship and whether or not you and your partner are built to last.
@alyssacardibBird test♬ original sound – Lyss Lyss
As it turns out, there is actually research that supports Caribardi’s observations. According to renowned relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Insitute, there is something known as “bids for emotional connection,” and these bids are what Dr. Gottman describes as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” In other words, bids are requests to connect with your partner. These bids can be verbal or non-verbal and can manifest as expressions, questions, or physical gestures.
Caribardi’s bird test theory lines up pretty much perfectly with Dr. Gottman’s research on bids. In collaboration with his colleague Robert Levenson at The University of Washington, Dr. Gottman found in his studies that couples who remained together in healthy, thriving partnerships (couples referred to in the research as the “masters”) have one major difference from couples who split up or stayed together, albeit unhappily (referred to as the “disasters”). The difference? Simply paying attention.
Dr. Gottman’s findings on the importance of attentive behavior in relationships led him to further develop his philosophy on the importance of partners continuously making and accepting one another’s bids for connection. According to Dr. Gottman, there are three different ways one can respond to a bid:
Dr. Gottman discovered that the masters turned towards one another’s bids 86% of the time, compared to the disasters’ 33%. This is telling of the power of fully showing up and paying attention in a relationship.
Turning toward your partner’s bids, and their reciprocation to your bids, is the foundation of a successful relationship because it helps with trust, emotional connection, passion, and satisfying sex.
So, the next time your partner points out something seemingly silly like a bird, shares something small about their day, or simply gives a tiny but affectionate shoulder squeeze, lean in. It can make all the difference.
