As if traditional inflation wasn’t hurting our wallets enough, it looks like the greedy fucks of the world have figured out that they can simply offer less while demanding the same price: The priest we used to pay $500 to bless all our pigs now charges that much per pig.
What a nightmare. It’s becoming completely impossible for normal Americans to keep their pigs wreathed in God’s sacred light!
We could stand the smaller Snickers bars and the lighter bags of chips, but three months ago the scourge of shrinkflation finally got us where it hurts: our go-to man of the cloth Father Mahoney curtly informed us that the $500 we pay him every month to armor our pigs in the divine favor of the Lord would now only cover the blessing of a single pig. This means that to fully bless all six of our pigs—Matthew, Stink Man, Lady Temperance, Oinkina, Prester John, and Fat Christly Henry—now costs a whopping $3000 a month, nevermind that the demonic forces trying to pervert our pigs down the path of the Devil are stronger than they’ve ever been!
Trying to keep up with Father Mahoney’s greed has been absolute hell. At first we tried switching to a Lutheran preacher who said he could bless our pigs for just $150 each, but that Protestant bozo botched the job so badly that we ended up having to pay Father Mahoney anyway to keep our pigs radiant with Christ’s love. Then last month we tried only blessing five of our pigs and arranging them in a protective circle around Prester John (easily our most spiritually robust pig) to at least save $500, but that backfired too—a demon managed to slip through in the night and taught Prester John the sin of arrogance. We had to spend three straight days singing hymns over him to purge Satan’s corruption from his heart! And when we told Father Mahoney how close our pig had come to eternal damnation as a direct result of his avarice, do you know what that motherfucker said to us? He just said, “Sounds like you should have paid me to bless your pig.”
God-fearing pig owners are in crisis right now, yet Congress refuses to act!
If this shrinkflation keeps up, it won’t be long before we don’t have any money left to keep the Devil’s legions of imps and demons from absolutely going to town on our pigs’ immortal souls. The unholy will seep through their unblessed hides as easily as water through a sieve, and once they become too lustful and indolent to ever enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we’ll have no choice but to drive them over a cliff lest their sty become a latter day Gomorrah. But hey, tragedy for us is just good business for Father Mahoney. As long as he gets his, who gives a shit where someone else’s pigs spend eternity?
Man, imagine being a shitty enough priest to start bestowing less divine favor for the exact same amount of money. Here’s hoping someone does something about this shrinkflation disaster before it’s too late for our beautiful pigs!
