Are you the scapegoat of a narcissist's malicious, pathological envy? Here are six signs to watch out for.
A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy reveals the six red flags you may be dealing with an envious narcissist who wants to sabotage you.
Research indicates that narcissistic and psychopathic individuals engage in malicious envy – the kind of envy that drives them to sabotage others. The scapegoat of a narcissist’s envy is often the most powerful person in the room due to their strengths and assets, and the narcissist senses that and perceives them as a threat. We see this all the time in real life situations. In romantic relationships, friendships, family circles, the workplace, even with acquaintances, scapegoated victims of narcissists report feeling disparaged, excluded, undermined, and attacked by those who perceive them to be a threat and who wish to gain the upper hand. Even fairy tales about malicious envy are quite “accurate” in a sense. Cinderella was the true belle of the ball, but her wicked stepmother and stepsisters tried to make her believe she was nothing and attempted to isolate her from the outside world, forcing her to stay inside cleaning so the Prince couldn’t see her; thank goodness for the Fairy Godmother who adorned her with the beautiful clothing needed to attend. Snow White was the fairest of them all, but the Evil Queen coveted her beauty and came in disguise to feed her a poison apple to make her sleep forever, taking a bite of the non-poisoned half to trick her into accepting the cursed gift – similar to how narcissistic people hide their true intentions and motives toward those they envy to pave the path of underhanded sabotage, often presenting love-bombing as an initial “gift” to lure their victims in. This is not so different from the way narcissists try to exclude and alienate those they envy and scapegoat. In the midst of these fairy tales are a powerful message about human behavior: when an envious, narcissistic person can’t overpower you, they engage in underhanded manipulation tactics to undermine you and try to take you down. Here are six signs you’re the scapegoat of a narcissist’s pathological, malicious envy.
When narcissists and psychopaths target you as an object of their envy and malice, they can’t help themselves – they want to “become” like you. They try to take on the traits, habits, behaviors you exhibit as an attempt to garner the same praise, attention, and achievements you have because they’re jealous of your natural talents, beauty, personality, empathy, and warmth. Survivors of narcissistically abusive relationships share that these narcissistic people even mimicked the same mannerisms, gestures, personal style, words, phrases, talking points, ideas as they did or rehashed their life stories in their attempts to “morph” into them and steal parts of their identities. Simultaneously, narcissists resent you for being everything they can never be, so they will devalue the same traits and behaviors that make you special and unique, trying to compete with you in a competition you didn’t even know existed. For example, you may notice a narcissistic friend putting down your outfit, only to wear a similar dress the next day. Or a narcissistic romantic partner may scoff at your high-paying career, only to suddenly show interest in pursuing the same field shortly after.
Whenever you share good news with narcissistic individuals, they might ignore or detract from it, or even condescendingly respond while nitpicking on irrelevant or even fabricated flaws. They may center themselves in the conversation and seem visibly incensed, or turn the conversation to someone they know harmed you or you dislike to push your buttons. Or, if they are engaging in more covert tactics, they could pretend to extend congratulations while all taking the steps to sabotage you and your success, attempting to place barriers between you and your goals. For example, if a narcissistic spouse is upset at the idea of you going back to school and wants to control you and hold you back, they may start instigating crazy-making arguments before big exams or important interviews.
As a part of mirroring, narcissistic individuals try to steal parts of your identity, as they attempt to take credit for your personality traits, wisdom, and ideas, use your labor in an attempt to bolster their own success, or mimic facets of your personality to gain social approval. In doing so, they often try to “hide” you from others as they take on your identity – much like Cinderella’s wicked stepsisters did. They may engage in relational aggression by spreading rumors or gossip, or only showcasing themselves. For example, a narcissistic friend may go out of their way to exclude you from social outings because your beauty or success is too threatening for them, and they want to remain the Queen Bee of the toxic group. Yet they may still mirror you, dressing up the way you do, doing their makeup and hair just like you, or eerily enough, even beginning to speak the way you do, to get your mutual friends to like them. Or a toxic family member may fail to invite you to the family reunion because your achievements surpass theirs, all while rehashing your stories or talking points as their own to boost their own popularity. Unfortunately for them, such attempts to steal the source of your strengths and achievements have short-lived results, because they cannot be sustained without access to you, your energy, your intelligence, creativity, and your personal power. Once you withdraw your energy and give them no access to your wealth of positive personality traits, knowledge, and insight, they are left scrambling to fill the gaps. You are the blueprint, so they are lost without you.
If you’re dealing with a maliciously envious narcissist, they will often try to pit you against others as a way to demean you and make you feel further isolated and alienated. They may pretend others are against you when they actually support you, or plant seeds of doubt and falsehoods about your character to others to depict you in a certain way so others don’t believe you should you speak out about their behavior. If you’re experiencing this, it can be helpful to consult other victims of the narcissist who no longer have any ties to them – this can help you resist such gaslighting and invalidation and stay grounded in what truly occurred.
Perhaps you told your narcissistic partner that you were looking forward to going to a certain restaurant, and they took out a female “friend” to that same restaurant shortly after, once they learned you received a promotion – this was a way to punish you for succeeding. Or maybe you shared with your narcissistic spouse that you’d like to travel with them on vacation, only for them to take their mistress to your suggested travel destination, even after they future faked you into believing that you would one day go there together, because they were jealous of your popularity. These are examples based on true stories of the type of callousness with which envious narcissists operate when they wish to devalue you and punish you for surpassing them.
Narcissists and psychopaths surround themselves with fans and harem members that are likely to stroke their ego. They see these “fans” as extensions of themselves – so they have no problem showering them with accolades while attempting to minimize what you have achieved, especially if these accomplishments far surpass their own, because to them, those people are a “part of them.” You, on the other hand, may be welcomed initially during the love bombing phase but later treated like a threatening enemy, no matter how much you may have actually gone out of your way to help the narcissist in the past, because you provoke their envy or are seen as a threat to their grandiosity. For example, a narcissistic professor may favor a certain “clique” of his students and devalue the most intelligent student in the room simply because that student challenged their ego in some way, even if that student was the most high-achieving. Or a narcissistic romantic partner may boast about his exes, but fail to acknowledge what you have done for them. If you are in any kind of relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to seek help. You are not alone and you never deserved to be treated this way.
