The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. And although the platform has rebranded to X, their humour lives on.
Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
Dental hygienist: you have to floss more. stop drinking so much coffee and tea. You CANNOT go on living like this
— tabitha (@thetolerantweft) May 5, 2024
Dentist: (holding my jaw to inspect it like a prized horse) yup lookin good
star wars fan: may the fourth be with you!
— amy! ami! amé! (@Amester222) May 4, 2024
me, former catholic: and also with you
God forbid women have hobbies https://t.co/2pAz8Yxsuh
— kos (@kostancaaa__) May 5, 2024
reasons i can’t work:
— Youngmi MAYER ???? (@ymmayer) May 9, 2024
6-8am: too sleepy
8-10am: too caffeine
10am-1pm: too hungry
1pm-3pm: too full
3pm-6pm: dread
6pm-9pm: looking at phone
9-sleep: too sleepy
Your man has been analysing the diss tracks all week. He knew what you meant with that text.
— a real lover. (@buhlebathabile) May 8, 2024
Adulthood is just repetitively saying “...But after this week, things will finally slow down a little” to people, until you either retire or die.
— Lia L'Assassin ★ Nutcracker Sweet (@Design_Assassin) May 4, 2024
when kate moss said nothing tastes as good as skinny feels i take that with a grain of salt bc she was british
— one woman cult (@clickholebot) May 6, 2024
i got an espresso martini at Chilis yesterday .. pic.twitter.com/N5sQsjDgbo
— em!! ???????? (@realemilyattack) May 4, 2024
Best friends are so crazy like wow this person would kill for me but also if I mispronounce a word in front of them they will make fun of me for it forever
— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) May 5, 2024
when someone sends the standalone "hi how are you" message in teams it literally feels like entering some sort of hostage negotiation situation
— Kendall (@Kenny___Rose) May 8, 2024
omg I forgot to tell y’all: in court Thursday there was an attorney there for a hearing wearing THESE SHOES with a full pantsuit I stg I almost had to leave the room pic.twitter.com/7jLaryn8RR
— not your lawyer (@schizesq) May 4, 2024
I will never have a gender reveal but I do want to have a race reveal where I cut into a cake that says "ASIAN" and we all scream and scream for joy
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) May 5, 2024
my advice to toddlers is to start saving your money now
— Jenni (@hashjenni) May 5, 2024
actually few things more embarrassing than when you’ve had like One drink and then you trip or spill something and everyone’s like damnnn she must be fucked up! no, you degenerates. I am just clumsy! may a beautiful woman not simply be clumsy these days???
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) May 4, 2024
Harry Styles is 30 years old with SIX movies based on fan fictions about him. his therapy sessions gotta be INTENSE. I know he’s tired
— ta’mia (@cinemiaelordi) May 5, 2024
someone at the dog park said "good girl" and i looked
— Cassie ⋆ (@cassiee1919) May 9, 2024
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 9, 2024
Anne Hathaway has given me exactly what I needed at every age I’ve ever been, like a patron saint of elder millennials.
— Kristen Bartlett (@kristencheeks) May 4, 2024
She had a choice between a man and a bear and chose the bear: pic.twitter.com/nrLbE4GORM
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) May 5, 2024
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) May 5, 2024
i loveeeee retiring to my chambers i loveeeee getting in bed
— alina 寧 (@lambfigurines) May 6, 2024
bring an unemployed 28 year old girl is so humiliating pic.twitter.com/BgRW2Dudqw
— anna livia (@not_a_heather) May 10, 2024
recently discovered that you can simply make yourself a shirley temple. no one can stop you. you can have grenadine in your own home
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) May 8, 2024
shout out to the girl i have followed on instagram for 12 years after we were camp counselors together whose husband just disappeared out of all of her instagram photos slowly over time and then she hard launched a whole ass new person like nothing happened!
— emily (@emilykmay) May 7, 2024
Fuck it, I’m writing the hockey romance novel where you fall for the person inside the Gritty suit.
— arielle (@ellycelly) May 8, 2024
