I’ve finally started to accept that I’m gay but I’m terrified of telling my wife

DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though my wider family have always been very accepting of same-sex relationships, I have spent the majority of my life being in denial about my own sexuality.

I am a 42-year-old married man. My wife is 38 and we have been married for 15 years.

We have a 12-year-old daughter and another child on the way.

When I first realised I was gay many years ago, I wasn’t ready to accept it.

I didn’t want that life for myself and kept trying to deny it.

I became very homophobic – not only in the things I would say to others, but my internal ­dialogue was very negative.

I have now got a ­reputation among my friends as being anti-gay.

But all the denial and lies are exhausting and a big part of me just wants to be the person I really am.

On the rare times I’ve started to speak about it, the homophobic things I’ve said come back to me and I start telling myself that being gay is not ­normal.

And so the cycle continues and I start ­saying homophobic things again.

I have got a lovely wife who has no idea. Please tell me how to come out. I am terrified.

DEIDRE SAYS: It can happen that people who are the most hostile towards gays and have strong anti-gay views do themselves have same-sex urges, albeit repressed ones.

Although you were brought up in an open-minded family, growing up in a social setting where gay relationships are frowned upon will have contributed to your internal dialogue.

We can’t choose our sexuality and you need to work out the right path before you implode.

You owe it to your wife to be honest and decide together about the future of your marriage.

But before you talk to her, I would urge you to contact the Switchboard LGBT+ helpline on 0300 330 0630 for confidential support.