In the X-Men franchise, Cerebro is a psychotronic device that the telepathic Professor X uses to locate people anywhere in the world. It can be very physically taxing for Professor X to use Cerebro, so typically he only uses it to track down other mutants. However, he also sometimes uses it for personal reasons. Here are four classic episodes of X-Men: The Animated Series where Professor X passed out from using Cerebro to locate other single bald men.
During a big fight against Apocalypse, Professor X excuses himself from the battle. Wolverine says, “Professor X if you leave us we are going to get killed by Apocalypse,” and Professor X says, “Don’t ever complain to me. I’m incredible.”
Then Professor X attaches his brain to Cerebro and uses the machine to track down a single bald man named Taimur who lives in Sri Lanka. The effort required for Professor X to locate Taimur causes him to get a nosebleed and pass out, but when he regains consciousness he flies coach on United Airlines to Sri Lanka to meet Taimur in person.
Taimur is about to leave for work when Professor X’s helicopter lands in his yard. Professor X says, “Hello. I’m bald and my brain is amazing.” Taimur says, “I’m also bald and my brain is normal.” Professor X says, “In my experience, being bald is fine. It’s not that uncommon and it doesn’t hurt or anything.” And Taimur says, “Yeah. That’s been my experience as well.” Then Professor X gets back in his helicopter and returns to the X-Mansion, where he learns that Apocalypse has killed several X-Men.
During a big fight against Magneto, Professor X turns to Wolverine and says, “I’m bored with this. I’m going to track all the bald men in the world and meet up with them.” Wolverine says, “That’s not a good use of your time,” and Professor X says, “If you ever second-guess me again I will use my telepathic powers to steal your Hulu password.”
Then Professor X plugs his brain into Cerebro and uses it to ascertain the location of every unmarried bald man on the planet. According to the X-Men universe, there are about 3.2 billion single bald men in the world, and Professor X uses Cerebro to learn the location of all of them simultaneously. The flood of information about all these single bald men causes Professor X to pass out, but he regains consciousness he sends a mass email to all 3.2 billion single bald men inviting them to a friendly gathering of the world’s bald men at the Javits Center in Los Angeles. The episode ends with Professor X milling awkwardly at the Javits Center with the 13 other bald men from around the world who responded to his invitation.
During a big fight against Juggernaut, Professor X turns to Wolverine and says, “My wheelchair is pretty amazing. It costs a lot of money, but I can afford it because I’m rich from babysitting and selling missiles to foreign governments.” Wolverine says, “That’s fine.” Then Professor X says, “I’m going to go show off my wheelchair to make people jealous.” Wolverine says, “I wish you would stay here and help us fight,” and Professor X says, “Your wishes have never been important to me.”
Then Professor X plugs his brain into Cerebro and uses it to find all the single, bald wheelchair users in the world. He learns their names and addresses and the sheer flood of information causes him to temporarily lose consciousness. When he wakes up, he flies around the world visiting all the bald wheelchair users and showing off his expensive chair. He shows them how his wheelchair can spray Febreeze out of one of the arm rests to make the air smell good wherever he is, and he shows them how his wheelchair has a built-in antenna to pick up FM radio. Most of the bald wheelchair users he meets say things like, “That’s a nice wheelchair, but I like my wheelchair just fine so it doesn’t bother me.” Professor X is annoyed that none of the people he shows his wheelchair to seem particularly jealous even though his wheelchair is so fancy and expensive. At the end of the episode, Professor X returns to X mansion and learns that 200 X-Men have been killed by Juggernaut while he was gone.
During a big fight against Magneto, Apocalypse, and Juggernaut, Professor X turns to Wolverine and says, “I believe there is a world somewhere in the Multiverse where Spider-Man is single and bald like me.” Wolverine says, “I don’t find that interesting,” and Professor X says, “For me, it’s all I can think about. I need to meet Single Bald Spider-Man.” Wolverine says, “I’d prefer if you stayed here and helped us fight Magneto, Apocalypse, and Juggernaut,” and Professor X says, “How dare you talk to me that way? I could get my shape-shifting friend Mystique to spit in your eye.”
Then Professor X plugs his brain into Cerebro and uses it to search the Multiverse for Single Bald Spider-Man. The amount of mental effort required to peer into alternate universes causes Professor X to pass out and get a nosebleed that lasts for three weeks. Finally he locates the universe that has Single Bald Spider-Man in it and travels there using a wormhole. Single Bald Spider-Man and Professor X spend the day hanging out together talking about what it’s like to date when you’re a bald man with superpowers and both of them agree that it’s a lot of fun to meet new people and sometimes hook up with hot singles in their area. Single Bald Spider-Man shows Professor X how he can spray his webs onto his scalp to create a wig made of webs and Professor X shows Single Bald Spider-Man how his expensive wheelchair can spray Febreeze and pick up FM radio. Then Professor X returns to his original universe where all the X-Men have been killed. Professor X decides that since all the X-Men are dead he will burn down the X-Mansion and move the Catskills. This is the last episode of X-Men.
