"For Love & Money" answers your relationship and money questions. This week, a reader's husband doesn't earn as much money.
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Dear For Love & Money,
I've always been a career-driven person, partially because I don't want to do work I'm not passionate about, but also because I've always been afraid of not being able to provide for myself and buy the things I want and need to be happy and healthy.
I've worked my way up to a well-paying director role with a salary that provides financial security for my family. The only problem is that I'm burned out and unhappy, and I'm starting to resent my husband.
My husband didn't get a degree, has no true calling, and is content to get a meager paycheck and go home. I make more than double what he makes, so I carry much more of our financial burden.
I don't care that he's not as driven as I am, but I'm exhausted and stressed all the time. I'd like to take a lower-level role and find some balance, but I don't see a way to do it without my husband earning more. I've mentioned this a few times, and he just brushes it off.
There are no clear career growth options for him. He is very supportive at home, doing more housework and caring for our son. But I'm tired of feeling like I don't have enough energy for myself and my kid because work is so draining. Can you see another way for us to work this out?
Sincerely,
Running Out of Steam
Dear Running,
You sound tired. And the thing about marriage is, that's the point, right? A lifelong arm to wrap around our waists and hold us upright as we limp across the finish line. Except, while that may be the deal we think we're getting, bringing two people, two histories, and two value systems together rarely works out so seamlessly symbiotically — at least not without effort and intention.
My husband and I entered our relationship with the assumption that we were on the same page about everything. This isn't because we didn't talk over the big questions or have premarital counseling; we did both.
But as any married person can tell you — you might think you agree on the big questions, but what about the small ones? Or the fact that before you're in it, those big questions are purely theoretical. What about when you change your mind five minutes into the theoretical becoming reality?
My husband and I thought we were on the same page about everything, and when that assumption began falling apart, we just kept going as if we didn't notice. Because choices had been made, major financial plans were already in motion, and no one likes to admit they're going back on their word. So, instead of acknowledging that we didn't want all the same things, we fought around the issue by arguing over our different energy levels, attitudes, and approaches to the dreams we still supposedly shared.
Except, we didn't share those dreams anymore. And as bad as that sounds, not wanting all the same things isn't a dealbreaker for us. We're two different people. Of course, we want two different things. Because while we may be on several different pages on several important issues, the name of our book remains the same: Us. Our marriage, our family, our love. We want those things more than anything else in the world, so we will fight for them together.
I see this in your letter — an assumption that you share the same goals: financial security, a certain standard of living, and a specific method for achieving both. But it seems this assumption has begun to fall apart. You're driven and career-oriented, and you equate compensation, high energy, and ambition with happiness and success.
Meanwhile, your husband seems to equate peace and ease with happiness and success. As you're currently experiencing, these ideas aren't compatible. Fortunately, they don't need to be. You and your husband don't have to agree on what the good life looks like, but you do have to honor the other's perspective, and to do that, you have to know what the other's perspective is.
Two lines in your letter stood out to me. The first is when you said, "He's not as driven as I am." The second is when you tell your husband about your burnout, he "brushes it off."
Your opinion that he isn't driven stood out to me because it tells me you blame his unwillingness to do more financially on his personality. This is an assumption you're making. Not striving to become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company doesn't mean your husband simply isn't interested in helping you pay your mortgage. This brings me to the second thing you mentioned in your letter.
When you try to talk to him about your stress and frustration, he brushes you off. Here you are, telling him you're scared and exhausted, asking him to be there for you, and he's not even engaging with you in your crisis. That sounds like something much deeper than a lack of drive. It sounds like he is on a completely different page than you, and he's too scared to tell you what it is.
Admitting that he's changed his mind or didn't even know himself well enough back when you first fell in love to make sweeping declarations about his dreams is probably very hard for him. So hard, he may not be able to tell you at all, especially in time to save you from clinical burnout.
I suggest you try couples counseling. Therapy will offer him a safe space to speak his truth and provide you both with an expert to help guide you back to one another until you're close enough for your husband to wrap his arm around your waist and hold you up across the finish line.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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