DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my spouse's friend "Valerie" invited us to lunch. I had never met her, but had previous contact with her through email. Valerie clearly did not like me. We sat over lunch for four hours, and during that time, although she sat across from me, she never looked at me, never spoke to me and never acknowledged my presence. It was humiliating and dehumanizing. Since we live in a different state, it was clear to me we would not be meeting again.
Well, Valerie has now renewed contact with my spouse through letters and emails, reestablishing old ties. I have asked her to not let Valerie back into our lives. I'm upset that she has accepted contact after how Valerie treated me. My spouse hasn't addressed Valerie's behavior, and at the time of the incident, I was asked to just let it go, which I did.
Now that Valerie has resurfaced, contacting only my spouse and addressing cards only to my spouse, it's clear the "game is on" once again. My spouse has not supported my feelings and refuses to acknowledge Valerie's rudeness during that luncheon visit.
I do not want to be friends with this person. My spouse has made clear she intends to remain in contact with this person and is not going to bring up "old dirt" with her. Am I wrong for asking her to forgo this friendship and not let this person back into our lives? — UNACKNOWLEDGED IN OREGON
DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: No, you are not wrong. Ask your spouse why she is nurturing a relationship with Valerie and, if she would like to end your relationship, to please say so now because you feel threatened by what Valerie is doing. It's honest, and if your fears are true, it is better to know now.
DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing a man for about a year. For the most part, we get along fine. We spend a lot of time together, and he professes his love for me. His intentions are to be together forever, although there has not been a proposal. I think I could continue this relationship indefinitely.
There's just one thing: I'm not physically attracted to him. He is presentable and well-groomed, but it can't compensate for the fact that he is homely. I am, to put it plainly, a beautiful woman. I have always dated "in my league."
I am trying hard not to be shallow, but this bothers me greatly. Sometimes I'm just disgusted. I know we'll both age, but until then, he'll still be ugly. I do have feelings for him, so should I try harder to overlook his defects? — TORN ABOUT HIM IN NEVADA
DEAR TORN: No! For both your sakes, please don't do that. The man you are writing about deserves someone who is more focused on inner qualities than you seem capable of. Forcing yourself to like him should not be necessary. Because this bothers you so much, do both of yourselves a favor and let him go.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
