According to experts.
Child-rearing can feel like a crowd-sourced endeavor. An entire market of books exists solely for the purpose of instructing parents on best practices for raising their kids. Every well-meaning person in a parent’s life will proffer their unsolicited opinions. And online, a new trend or term championed by creators somehow renders every other parenting style dangerous or outdated.
What’s worse is this churn of ideals changes with every generation, says family therapist Craig Knippenberg, host of the podcast Legit Parenting. “When I was a kid, it was all discipline and responsibility — that was the main thing parents focused on,” he says. “The turn now, which I really do not like much at all, is this whole gentle parenting and we should focus on our child’s feelings and don’t want them ever to feel hurt.” (Labels aside, any approach to parenting that keeps your kids safe and healthy — and works for you — is fine.)
With constantly changing frameworks and a community of people — online and off — who are quick to point out supposed flaws, there are so many standards to live up to. Aside from the thrum of social judgments, accusations of “wrong” parenting can have very real repercussions. Unknowing outsiders may make calls to a child’s school or to child protective services — which most often and unequally impacts Black and brown families. The pressure to be the “ideal” parent has never been greater. “Parents are always trying to get it right or be perfect,” says licensed clinical social worker Mercedes Samudio, author of Shame-Proof Parenting: Find Your Unique Parenting Voice, Feel Empowered, and Raise Whole, Healthy Children. The reality is, parents aren’t perfect and neither are their children.
But don’t panic: There are plenty of facets of parenting in which people are naturally sufficient. To assuage your anxiety, here are the domains where experts say parents are doing just fine.
Throughout her career, Samudio observed as technology’s role grew within families. The shame that some parents might feel for allowing their children to watch TV while they attend to chores is unfounded. “Where do people get the idea that they shouldn’t allow their kids on screen time?” she says. “What measuring stick are you using?”
Instead, pay attention to how your family utilizes technology: Do your kids enjoy watching TikTok? Maybe you allow your younger child to play on an iPad while you help your older kids with homework. Then, set boundaries for when tech and social media are allowed, and when you’ll put it away, Samudio says. “If it is watching fun TikTok videos, maybe you can do it together,” she says.
Barring your child from social media or digital devices altogether may prove futile, Samudio says, as they’ll find ways to access it without your knowledge. Creating a technology roadmap for your family is more sustainable than denying screen time or comparing yourself to another family’s ideals.
You’re probably spending enough time playing with your kids, says psychologist Juli Fraga. “I hear that an awful lot,” she says. “[Parents] feel like they have to play with their kids every time that kid wants interaction.” Don’t feel guilty if you send your child off to play by themselves or if you leave them with a babysitter on a Friday night.
Research shows quality time spent with children is far more impactful than the duration of time spent together. When you’re engaging with your kids, eliminate any distractions and tune into them.
Otherwise, let your kids use their imagination to play on their own or with other children. In cultures around the world, children most often learn from their peers and adults through observation and mimicry, says Dorsa Amir, a postdoctoral researcher at UC Berkeley’s psychology department who studies kids and culture. By just allowing children to play with no agenda, they are in fact learning, Amir says.
Parents are well-intentioned in wanting their children to have a positive childhood. “The problem is,” Amir says, “that that’s not the full spectrum of the human experience.” Emotional pain, social conflict, and boredom are unavoidable in life and can be learning moments for kids. Letting children resolve conflicts on their own or to navigate cooperation among their peers doesn’t mean you aren’t protecting them — you’re just giving them space to process their emotions and to practice social skills, Amir says.
The first step toward promoting mental health for your children is to take care of your own, Fraga says. Kids can pick up on and internalize their parents’ anxiety, sadness, or fear. “If parents aren’t aware of that,” Fraga says, “they might think that their kid totally has anxiety, not recognizing that there’s anxiety within themselves.” By knowing how to identify and regulate your own emotions, you can teach your children skills like how to name their emotions and talking through different choices they could’ve made in a stressful or emotional situation.
Samudio also suggests keeping an open dialogue with your children, especially as they get older. “We’re not just communicating to manage conflict, but we’re also communicating … to get to know each other,” she says, “so that way we can actually talk to each other and understand how you’re feeling.” Having established an open line of communication, your child may feel more comfortable broaching topics of mental health should they arise.
In modern society, children’s needs and preferences are centered, Amir says, but sometimes at the cost of the parents’ wants and desires. It’s perfectly fine not to cater to your child’s every whim all the time, Amir says. “Your preferences matter, too,” she says. “You have a seat at the table, too.” You won’t be sacrificing your child’s happiness by bringing them along while you run errands.
Similarly, the gentle parenting movement, where parent and child collaborate on choices and decisions, may have eroded boundaries. But most kids of all ages need boundaries, Fraga says. Take, for example, a boundary such as “You can’t be late for school.” According to Fraga, parents might be unintentionally signaling to their child that they have a choice when saying something like, “It’s time for school. Why don’t you get your shoes on, okay?” Setting and sticking to boundaries means not giving kids an option to do anything other than the task at hand. A statement like, “Put your shoes on. We’re leaving in five minutes,” helps uphold the boundary. “Kids actually respond better to that type of [communication],” Fraga says. “Little kids don’t want power, even if they think they do. It can make them feel really anxious.”
Parents should feel empowered to set boundaries around bedtime, mealtimes, and “whatever they need for their home life to run smoothly,” Fraga says. “Just because a kid might feel bad about something doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.”
Given parents’ increased access to their kids’ grades online, it’s normal to feel inundated — and stressed — by every incremental change in your children’s academic lives. Try as you might, most parents can’t engineer their child into a top performer and high earner, Knippenberg says. Rather, you can shepherd them through life, protecting them with rules and limits, and supporting them. “You have very little control over who your child’s going to become,” he says. So don’t stress over what elementary school you send them to or if they missed a study session in high school.
Instead of hyper-focusing on every aspect of your kid’s school and extracurricular life, give them space to unwind. Knippenberg suggests allowing children 30 minutes of exercise and a snack after school before they start their homework. If they’re toiling away well into the evening, Knippenberg says it’s okay to ditch the academics for the day. “Turn off the homework and watch a TV show together,” he says.
The greatest parenting achievement, experts agree, is simply keeping your family safe day in and day out. Give yourself some credit for that. Modern parenting in individualistic societies is extremely difficult and parents often have little support. You can cut yourself some slack.
However you get from wakeup to bedtime is sufficient so long as you move through the world with kindness, Knippenberg says. “If you, as a parent, are a kind person to your neighbors, the grocery store workers, the gas station attendant, other parents at the school,” he says, “your kids will become kind and that will last them the rest of their lives.”
