I'm a sleep reporter, and a sleep divorce improved my relationship with my wife. Here's how it could help couples with different sleep needs.
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When watching old-timey TV shows, seeing married couples in separate beds seems so archaic and comical. Yet, maybe they were on to something. After sharing a bed for the first 10 years of our relationship, my wife and I decided sleeping separately was a better option. Our bond has grown stronger since our "sleep divorce."
Sleep divorce is when couples decide to sleep in separate beds, or even separate rooms. It's an alternative growing in popularity, with one-third of American couples choosing separate beds. There are many reasons to go this route, from having different schedules and preferences to managing sleep disorders. Even Cameron Diaz is a strong proponent of "sleep divorce."
As a sleep reporter, I'll cover my reasons for sleeping separately from my wife, how to make it work, and some alternatives to sleep divorce.
I test a new mattress every two weeks. This is about how long it takes to get acclimated to a new mattress, which means there's a significant break-in period when I may not sleep well. I put myself through this to help you make better buying decision. On the other hand, my wife isn't a sleep reporter and doesn't want the constant upheaval.
More relatably, we also have different sleep schedules. I get up early and work out before my 9-to-5 job. She likes to stay up late and sleep in. With our schedules, we used to risk disturbing each other as we got into and out of bed. Not anymore.
My wife likes to warm and cozy while sleeping and prefers pets in her bed. I want to be left alone, pet-free, with no one touching me while I sleep. I overheat at night, and another's body heat compounds my discomfort.
My justifications for sleep divorce are not exhaustive. Other motivations include one or both partners having conditions like restless legs or breathing issues like COPD or snoring. Couples with drastically different mattress preferences may also want to sleep in separate beds catering to their needs.
"Forty percent of my patients tend to sleep in a separate room," said Dr. Logan Schneider, clinical assistant professor of sleep medicine at Stanford Sleep Medicine Center, who treats patients with various sleep conditions, including sleep apnea and restless legs syndrome.
Rebecca Robbins, associate scientist at Brigham and Women's Hospital and instructor at Harvard Medical School, wants to end the stigma of sleep divorce. "Prioritizing sleep is really critical for couples," said Robbins. "If it means sleeping in different bedrooms, either because one partner snores or one partner isn't happy with the mattress, then that is absolutely OK."
She noted that beyond cuddling before bedtime, you're not spending quality time with your partner when sleeping. That time is best for rest.
Even Ann and Dave Weiss, co-founders of Hatch, makers of one of the best sunrise alarm clocks we've tested, are proponents of sleep divorce. They sleep in separate rooms and have found it strengthens their marriage.
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Since neither of us is especially noisy at night, my wife and I share what I call the "Bedsroom," a room large enough to fit two queen-sized beds. We like queens because it allows us to sprawl out, but full is big enough for most adults, and twin works for petite individuals. For more guidance, check out our mattress size chart.
Before bed, we snuggle in one of our beds for a few minutes and talk about our highlights from the day. Then, with feigned anger like a parent dealing with a rambunctious kid, we yell at each other versions of "Shut up! It's time to go to sleep!" In the morning, we snuggle again and discuss our plans for the day. Other than those moments, we leave each other alone in the night.
Compromise and pre- and post-bedtime rituals are crucial for an amicable sleep divorce.
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Adjustable air beds use air to adjust the firmness of your mattress, so you and your partner can have a custom feel on each side. My wife sleeps on the Sleep Number Climate360 Smart Bed, which has independent firmness, temperature, and tilt adjustments on each side. The bed's tilt helps stop snoring. Unfortunately, it's pricey. If you're willing to sacrifice the temperature adjustments, then the Sleep Number i8 is the way to go. Read my full Sleep Number i8 Smart Bed review.
If adjustable air beds are out of your price range or don't sound appealing, consider a mattress that allows you to choose a different firmness for each side of the bed. I recommend the Bedgear M3 Performance mattress, which has four firmness options per side. Another option is simply putting two Twin XL mattresses side-by-side.
If you and your partner have different comfort preferences, consider purchasing a mattress topper to change the feel of one side of the bed. The best mattress toppers can make a bed feel softer and improve its cooling properties. We recommend the plush, cooling GhostBed Memory Foam Topper. The mattress topper solution works best with a king-sized bed since a twin XL topper will cover half the bed.
If snoring is the problem, a new bed frame just might be the ticket. The best adjustable bed frames have a snore function that tilts the head slightly, which is often enough to put snoring to sleep. We recommend the Purple Premium Plus Smart Base, which features an anti-snore preset, massage settings, and other perks.
Lastly, if one of you likes it hot while the other prefers cold, it might be worth considering splitting your bedding and choosing materials according to your desired needs. Sleeping with separate blankets is another way to ensure comfort, where you could consider twin sizes of the best comforters, side by side in different weights. For added warmth, check out the best electric blankets. Specifically, we love the Pure Enrichment PureRadiance Luxury Heated Throw Blanket, with its attractive look, luxury feel, and excellent warming capabilities. Hot sleepers should consider the Parachute Linen Box Quilt, which stays cool and comfortable, even in the summer, or look into best cooling products for better sleep.
Erin Brains
I still get looks when I say I don't share a bed with my wife. It suggests we aren't intimate. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth. Only your and your partner's opinions matter when deciding what's right for a relationship. "It's a very personal decision," Schneider said. "The ultimate answer, though, is how do you minimize disruption to your sleep from your bed partner so that you both can sleep soundly and be your best selves when awake?" For my wife and me, it was a sleep divorce.
