There are five common phrases narcissists use in dating to manipulate you. Here’s what they really mean when a toxic person is saying them, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism.
When a narcissist uses this phrase, they’re trying to create premature intimacy where there is a shallow connection to get you to invest in them and the relationship or to meet a short-lived agenda – such as an ego boost, having eye candy to enhance their image, sex, or even a place to live. By the time they have mirrored your hobbies, interests, personality traits, and dreams, you may be more susceptible to believing them. However, there’s a stark difference between recognizing and fostering a strong connection with someone after observing their long-term behavior and having a date who barely knows you declare that you two are destined to be together. The latter is more likely to be love bombing – the excessive flattery and praise the narcissist uses to make you trust them.
As a narcissist dangles the carrot of a future they may not intend to carry out, they not only get you to do what they want but also cater to their needs because you start to trust that there’s a future ahead you’re both building toward, rather than a toxic relationship that will drain and deplete you, boosting them and their lives as you are exploited. The phrase above can be customized to promising any kind of dream future together and future faking their way into your life – whether that promised future includes marriage, kids, or a white-picket fence. They capitalize on your false hope to ensure you continue benefiting them.
Whether the narcissist is talking about an ex, a crush or another lover they’re trying to pit you against under the guise of a close friend, studies show that narcissistic individuals derive a sense of power and control when they engage in in jealousy induction – a manipulation tactic meant to destabilize you and provoke insecurity in you. If they perceive you to be put of their league, they will use this tactic frequently throughout your relationship so you are more inclined to “compete” and fight for their attention and affection. These tactics are weaponized to ensure you forget your sense of irreplaceability, worth, and value – and make them feel highly desired and valued instead. They gain an upper hand in the dating dynamic when they can pretend to have many “suitors” vying for them.
A narcissist may orchestrate breaks or break-ups during the dating process or relationship and appear to withdraw from you abruptly after initially showering with you attention just so they can see how you react. If they sense you’re moving forward with your life, or have found a healthy new dating partner, however, they’ll suddenly start love bombing you again to make sure you don’t escape their grasp. They might reach out telling you they miss you. In reality, research indicates that those with narcissistic and psychopathic individuals don’t really miss you as a person – they miss the control they once had over you, and tend to stay connected to exes for sex and resources.
This phrase, which is used to enhance healthy connections by other individuals, is instead used to manipulate and exploit others by narcissists in the dating world. It’s not uncommon for a narcissistic person to declare they love you within weeks of meeting you, without knowing you well, and fast-forward emotional and physical intimacy just to obtain something they want from you. Perhaps they want a relationship with you to enhance their reputation, to look good in the eyes of others, and associate themselves with your name for access to resources and opportunities. Maybe they need you as a spouse for the sake of seeming “normal” while engaging in a double life behind your back. Or they might want to use you for sex while stringing you along with the false promise of commitment. Either way, a declaration of love before a person has spent enough time to assess your true compatibility is automatically suspect.
