I used to judge women for telling their dates they wanted to have kids early on while dating. Now I'm 39, and I do the same thing.
Courtesy Melissa Persling
I used to think that middle-aged women who talked about marriage and children with partners during the early stages of dating were pathetic and, quite frankly, embarrassing. I'd wonder how they could be so foolish as to divulge their innate longing for offspring at their advanced age. "Don't they know how desperate they sound?" I'd wonder.
Now that I am that single, childless, middle-aged woman, I wouldn't exactly say that I'm pathetic, but I did embarrass myself on a recent date when I blurted out, "I want a baby!" during a game of pool on a second date with a man drinking a light beer. Weren't shots at least in order before that kind of conversation? Where were my manners? Didn't I know how I sounded?? (To be fair to me, I'd had a few glasses of Cabernet, so no, I probably did not know how I sounded.)
For the record, the guy actually took it better than I thought, meaning he did not immediately leave. We were also playing pool at his house, so he probably didn't want to be alone with his things with some random, baby-crazed women. I might end up weeping on his living room floor after eating all the cheese from his fridge, cursing my elderly womb.
The truth is when you're a so-called "woman of a certain age" and want marriage and children, there's no time for pleasantries. At 39, I'm already four years beyond what's considered a "geriatric pregnancy." If that isn't humbling enough, I'm well aware that women an entire decade or more younger than me are swimming in the same dating pool, essentially competing for the same eligible men as me. I'd be lying if I said I don't think that puts me at a disadvantage. I'm not exactly the ideal candidate for a man who wants to start a family the old-fashioned way.
The biological reality is that I'm already at risk for a number of complications that come with getting pregnant outside the ideal childbearing years, which are 20-35. I don't have the luxury of playing coy if I want to have a child and, in my case, be married before I even try. I literally don't have time to wait and see what happens. I have to be intentional about finding a man who wants the same things on the same timeline.
In my dating life, I'm upfront about looking for a relationship that leads to marriage and children, but I don't imagine my urgency for those things is a big turn-on for men. What guy wouldn't want to immediately insert himself into my five-year plan by marrying a 39-year-old divorcée and having a child with her in the next couple of years? That shouldn't be hard to find at all!
I imagine I sound something like this: "Nice to meet you, Chad! Ready to drop three months' salary on a ring and trade your sports car in for a minivan while I gain at least 30 pounds and stop sleeping with you for months! Oh, and you will be the breadwinner since I'd like to be a stay-at-home mom. Line up, fellows! I hope you have good health insurance! Any takers? Anyone?"
Okay, so I don't drop my hopes and dreams on them quite so bluntly, but the reality is that basically is what I'm looking for, and I don't have too much time to waste.
Finding a marriageable man, around 40, who is still holding out for the right partner to create a family with is a difficult task. They're like unicorns but with even less proof of existence. For the most part, my dating pool consists of divorcés who already have kids and are likely not looking to complicate their life further, or self-proclaimed lifelong bachelors (and, try as we might, ladies, we will not be the Amal to his George Clooney. She is the exception, not the rule).
In all honesty, dating at my age and with my goals requires patience and a healthy relationship with reality. I don't mean to discourage others in my situation or to imply that we are less desirable than younger women. In fact, I've spoken with and even dated several men who prefer dating women my age. These men value our maturity, stability, and confidence, which is often more challenging to find in younger ladies. But I think it's fair to say that finding an eligible man to have a biological child with in middle age can be a challenge.
Ultimately, I have plenty to offer a man outside of youth (like my sense of humor!), which makes me a desirable partner. Plus, I no longer judge women who lead with their desire for marriage and children. No, now, I get it.
