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Nothing raises the decibels in my house more than a political discussion. Living with four generations under one roof can be difficult. With issues ranging from the Electoral College to climate control to the homeless situation, everyone in our household has a different opinion.
In the past, words would fly back and forth across the room, crashing into each other. No one was really listening to what anyone else was saying. My husband, a conservation Republican, would retreat to our room in search of his antacid pills. My granddaughter, a progressive radical democrat, found herself on the toilet with a queasy stomach. My daughter, mostly apolitical, turned to funny memes for solace. I — who is often stuck in the middle somewhere — usually would end up with a headache. My mother has dementia, so she usually would sit these discussions out.
After too many disruptive occasions, I realized we needed to make some changes before our family became the feature story on the nightly news. Sitting around in total silence wasn't an option — neither was burying ourselves in our cellphones all the time.
After much thought, I called a family meeting and proposed the following guidelines for having calm, beneficial discussions.
This was hard at first since our family loves to cut each other off mid-sentence without really hearing what the other person is saying. Actually, we do hear, but often, we don't actively listen.
We decided to set a time limit for each person, and no one can disrupt until that person's time is up. Also, absolutely no filibustering is allowed.
We understand that we thought differently on many subjects, but in the past, we would try to change each other's views.
Now, my husband is trying to understand why my granddaughter views the world completely differently. He's asking intelligent questions instead of shouting at her, lessening the tension in our house.
This was fairly easy. For example, everyone in our household is sympathetic to the homeless situation; no one wants to see people go hungry. Our differences lie in the solution.
We began a discussion agreeing that something needed to be done, and we went around the table with possible suggestions on helping the homeless. When my husband proposed a solution that seemed totally outrageous to our granddaughter, instead of shouting at him, she asked with all sincerity as to why he felt that way.
In the past, when things got heated, name-calling was common. But now that's a big no-no in our house. This condition is an absolute must.
We agreed to be polite and respectful at all times.
Fidgeting, folding one's arms, crossing legs, and looking away are all signs of discomfort. I told everyone that we must be aware of these behaviors when talking and always make eye contact.
Additionally, looking directly at someone shows respect and lets them know you are practicing active listening.
My mother's dementia is often a springboard for laughter, easing the tension in the room. She'll repeat what she thinks she hears, and sometimes it's so off the wall that we can't help but laugh.
But even when she isn't present, one can always interject something humorous into the conversation.
We agreed to watch news channels and read articles recommended by family members in order to gain better knowledge of their viewpoints.
Along with this, we agreed to call out misinformation respectfully. Instead of shouting out, "That's wrong!" and pointing a finger, we promised to ask, "Where did you read that?"
In the past, we would argue until everyone left the room, and tears were inevitably shed by someone — if not all participants. Now, we know how to read the room, so to speak.
We try to walk away before the heat level reaches the boiling point.
We decided that our goal as a family was not to change the other person's opinion. Instead, the goal is to simply understand.
Of course, we all want to change each other, but that is unrealistic and led to all the heated arguments in the first place.
Perhaps the most important rule is to come into these conversations with an open mind. We can't learn why someone thinks the way they do if we are narrow-minded and unwilling to change.
In other words, we've agreed to disagree. We are all in different stages of our lives. A disabled Vietnam veteran is not going to see the world the same as a young liberal living on social media. But we all share our love and respect for one another.
Once all family members agreed to these rules, our family dinners and gatherings are now manageable and peaceful, and I guarantee we won't be featured on Hometown Homicide anytime soon.
