Is it just us, or has the world gone fucking soft? Seriously—these days, you can’t throw a rock without hitting a gigantic pussy. Take this guy for example, who just pulled one of the most beta moves of all-time: This man passed away peacefully in his sleep.
Unreal. This sissy’s Man Card is officially revoked.
At approximately 3:08 a.m. last night, Brian Salverson, 68, went full Cuck Mode and died in his sleep. No signs of pain or struggle or any type of suffering that might’ve put some hair on his chest—just a seamless transition from a quiet night’s rest to eternal slumber for this sorry excuse for a man. This namby-pamby, probably-sat-down-when-he-peed wuss was apparently too delicate to perish via murder, fire, drowning, cancer, or any cause of death that takes even a hint of cojones. Nope, Brian just counted sheep until he wasn’t there anymore, putting up absolutely no fight against the light (none! he literally LET the light take him!) as he drifted into the unknown un-haunted by any feelings of fear or regret for how he’d led his life. A true Baby Gap-ass death.
Honestly, this is just embarrassing for his loved ones. We really wouldn’t blame Brian’s family if they lied and told people he went out some other way: Mauled by pitbulls, drank bleach, had a stroke while driving—anything more macho than giving up the ghost in the comfort of his own bed, without even knowing it was coming. If our God called our dad home? And he went running into the Lord’s arms like Brain did, like a submissive little lamb? We wouldn’t even attend the funeral.
Real men don’t take shortcuts like this. Just saying.
Well, goodbye, Brian. You’d better hope there is no afterlife, because not a damn soul in Heaven or Hell is going to respect you once they find out you died so peacefully.
