LENNY PIDGELEY admits he contemplated suicide three years after winning the Premier League with Chelsea.
The former Blues goalkeeper, 40, played at Stamford Bridge between 2003 and 2006.
He was there for the start of the Roman Abramovich era.
And Pidgeley checked out his Chelsea career with victory in the Carabao Cup, then known as the League Cup, as well as the Premier League title.
The stopper, who ended up playing just twice for Chelsea, eventually moved to London rivals Millwall in 2006.
But it was during this time he began experiencing panic attacks.
Pidgeley, who was 23 years old at the time, recalls keeping himself in his bedroom during a turbulent period.
He even considered suicide after struggling to cope.
And when he was selected for a fiery Millwall game away at Leeds, he ended up locking himself in a toilet while battling anxiety.
Pidgeley bravely told The Telegraph: “It had started during the summer, in the off-season. I started getting anxiety attacks and I’d be in bed, door locked under the covers with all the curtains closed.
“Millwall had sent me to the Priory and I hadn’t played for months. I’d just got back training a little bit and the goalkeeper who was on loan couldn’t play.
“I had been feeling a little bit better and the next thing I knew I was playing at Elland Road, first game back. I was in the toilet 10 minutes before kick-off having a panic attack.
“I was dripping with sweat, vomiting, my heart was pumping out of my chest and I was trying to convince myself that my hamstring was going to go.
“I thought about it so much that I could feel my hamstring actually tightening up. Then I was running out there, standing in front of 30,000 people.
“Three weeks earlier I was thinking about killing myself and now they’re calling me a w****r, and whatever, and I’m just thinking ‘oh my God, if you knew what was going on in my head.’
“I got through the game, but I couldn’t tell you what happened or what the result was. I probably blanked it out because I don’t want to remember anything about it.
“Even talking about it brings it all back, look I’m getting hot now, rubbing my head, my mouth’s gone a bit dry.
“The panic attacks were uncontrollable to the point where I wanted to jump off a balcony. I was in a real, real bad way.
“I was embarrassed, I didn’t want anyone to know. I felt weak, vulnerable, like my career was over.”
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
Pidgeley ended up playing 55 times for Millwall before taking in spells at Carlisle, Woking, Bradford and Exeter.
He then played for Newport County, Masnfield Town, Leatherhead and Forest Green Rovers.
And Pidgeley’s final days in football came at Hastings United, Margate and Farnborough.
The former England U20 goalie called time on his career. in 2018.
But his anxiety attacks still hadn’t gone away.
Pidgeley added: “I was part-time by then and I hadn’t been at work because I wasn’t feeling well. On the morning of the game I was having anxiety and panic attacks.
“I called the manager and said I couldn’t play, but he said ‘you have to’. They didn’t have a goalkeeper.
“I told him I was quitting football, that I had depression and it wasn’t good for my mental health. Straight away after the game, they just put it out there that I’d retired because of depression.
“They ended up deleting it after I spoke to them. I couldn’t believe it, it was a disgrace. I’d kept it quiet for 10 or 15 years.”
