Oh mon Dieu, mon p’tit Joseph! Que s’est-il passé?? Qui t’a blessé? Je te protégerai! After 19 years of recapping The Bachelor, I’m finally able to break down my walls and let someone in. Watching this episode, I felt something I’d never felt before: concern for the Bachelor. I do not know how this show has done it but they are making me care about the emotional well-being of a Bachelor.
I cannot stress enough to you that I did not watch Charity’s season so I don’t know how much emotional damage Joey is carrying into this season. I did watch her performance on Dancing With the Stars so I mostly know that her fiancé is 12 feet tall and she’s a former cheerleader, neither of which is relevant to Joey’s emotional state. So I don’t know if he’s coping just fine or completely emotionally devastated from coming in second on Charity’s season. Either way, I want to know what happened then or now that has Joey weeping in a beautiful autumnal Canadian park. I just want to wrap him in one of those metal blankets they put around marathon runners and give him a cup of soup. Damn it! You people are making me care! About a man! A Bachelor man! Incroyable!!
Let’s get into it.
Ah yes, it’s the episode before the episode before Hometowns where all the feelings are getting serious and the first confessions of “I think I’m falling for you” are dropped. It’s the moment when a season goes from being the first third of a zany rom-com to the middle third of a zany rom-com. We’re in Montreal and Joey is feeling the responsibility and the weight of the competition. He can feel himself starting to hold back because the thought of letting multiple women in and still ending up alone is too scary for him. A producer asks him, “Why do you feel the need to be perfect all the time” and Joey says, “I don’t feel like I need to be perfect. People expect me to be. There’s a lot that’s wrong with me and I try to work through it and I’ve always been my toughest critic and I feel the need to be perfect and I’m afraid of someone not expecting me but I DO NOT feel the need to be perfect.” He retires to a nearby picnic table to weep.
The women are performing enthusiasm for Montreal. Lea says she wants to chug a gallon of maple syrup and ride a moose. Jenn says she learned French before but all she learned how to say is, “I’m not wearing any underwear,” and then she forgot. I love the idea of Jenn having to survive in French Canada only by telling people she’s not wearing any panties. Need to know how to get to the grocery store? “Je ne porte pas une culotte.” Lost your passport? “Je ne porte pas une culotte.” Find yourself trapped in a tomb in Notre-Dame Basilica? “HELP! JE NE PORTE PAS UNE CULOTTE!!”
Jesse tells them that Montreal is his second home and he asks them various questions in French to everyone’s confusion. There will be two one-on-one dates but the group date will be first! If you’re not going on the group date, you can be sure you’re going on a one-on-one! I’m not sure what this does for us narratively, but they’re certainly excited about it. Daisy, Katelyn, Kelsey A., Jenn, Rachel, Lexi, Lea, and Jess are all going on the group date, which means Maria and Kelsey T. are both getting one-on-ones. Lea screams and pulls her pinky nail out. The group date is a scavenger hunt around the city with Joey doing his absolute best to have the slightest bit of fun. The women and Joey dash around to the top three answers on the board if you were answering, “Name something that you associate with Montreal” on Family Feud: poutine, French, accordions. Plus, the Canadian flag isn’t blurred out!
At this point in the season, these group dates are tough because everyone cannot handle seeing Joey kiss other women. Jess is having a slow-moving breakdown and she’s convinced that telling Joey how she feels is going to change everything, even though I don’t think I’ve seen the two of them have a conversation. I don’t think I could name a single attribute about Jess. She is from … the South? And her personality is … y’all? Oh geez, things are not looking good for her going into the evening portion of the date.
This evening portion of the date is awkward as hell. These women are cracking. Everyone takes the opportunity to affirm Joey so he doesn’t quit the season. Kelsey A. tells him that she’s falling for him and Joey says, “Did you whisper that? Say it one more time.” Joey! If he added a “good girl,” I think the roof would have blown off whatever San Diego bar is hosting a Bachelor viewing party. Jenn also tells him that she’s falling for him and Joey is INTO Jenn. This is a relationship that’s persisted beyond my expectations.
Lexi sits down with Joey and asks him what his timeline is for getting married and having a family because she’s on an accelerated timeline. She wants to know if he’s willing to get a minivan and move to the suburbs. There’s gotta be a way to make starting a family sound even the slightest bit cool. Joey says that he’s looking to be engaged for two to three years and have kids two years after the wedding. Lexi knows that the connection is there but she needs to figure out how she’s feeling about his timeline.
Jess sits down with Joey and introduces herself. She tells him that she’s very confident in how she feels about him. The camera cuts to Joey and he looks fucking miserable. Oh, Jess, this is not going to work out the way you think. Joey tells her that he’s not able to picture “it” with her. He walks her out and while she’s leaving, she asks him if she did anything wrong. Oh, my dear little sweetie. You never had a conversation with him and you spent most of your time calling the woman he clearly has chemistry with a bitch. You were not long for this world. We’ll see you in Paradise (most likely). Joey freaks out with a producer and then tells the other ladytestants that he sent Jess home. But he can feel things turning around. Jenn gets the group date rose. It was at this point that I confidently knew that any woman who hadn’t gotten a one-on-one date by this point was definitely going home.
It’s time for Kelsey T.’s one-on-one date. She has trouble opening up, her walls are up, she’s guarded — y’know that whole thing. They head to Cirque du Soleil training headquarters for their date. Their coach, Marie-Madeline-Marie or whatever, tells them that it’s about trust and creating a bond. They’re going to do that by spinning Joey around as much and as fast as possible. Joey’s willingness to participate in the date activities has me thinking that he doesn’t know that he’s The Bachelor and thinks that he’s still got to impress the other person. He’s continuing to behave with Contesticle Energy, and I’m into it. They put him in a big wheel and he gets so dizzy he has to sit down. I love this li’l guy.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Lexi and Maria are drinking full glasses of champagne. Lexi is thinking that maybe Joey is the right person for her but the timing is wrong. She’s having to figure out what she’s going to do. All of this is too mature for The Bachelor.
Kelsey T. and Joey head to the evening portion of the date. She tells him about her relationship with her father and whoa, what is going on there? She had a good relationship with her father when she was young but once it came time for her to commit to their religion, he didn’t want her to go to college and he needed her to devote herself to religion. I am so far away from what is going on with the religious today, but there are dads out there who won’t let their daughters go to college?!? I’m pretty sure the Bible doesn’t mention California State. She says she went to go live with her mother and her dad basically stopped speaking to her for years. She says it affects her romantic relationships too, and Joey says she deserves to be loved and he admires her resilience and her strength. She says, “Thanks for listening and understanding” and she calls him Joey-Jo. She came on late, but Kelsey T. is here to play. She gets the rose.
It’s time for Maria’s date and IT’S THE PRINCESS EXPERIENCE DATE!!!! WOOOO!!! Joey likes her! These two really do have a flirty energy. She says he must have saved this date for his favorite Canadian. She keeps trying to get him to say Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? They head to a boutique where Joey picks out a dress for her. He is into her. In the limo, she teaches him how to say “Je t’aime” and she sweetly says “Oh Joey” and “Merci!” when he repeats it. They head to an airfield and get in a helicopter. Maria is convinced she’s going to have to jump out of it. They head to the evening portion of the date and Joey says he appreciates how being with her lifts his spirits, even when he’s having a bad week. She tells him how happy he makes her and how he respects everything about her. They have a conversation about what the end of this could look like and Joey eventually says if they’re at the end together, he’s 100 percent in. He says he’ll do anything in his power to make her feel special and loved. Maria tells him that she’s falling for him in ways she didn’t expect and he makes her so happy. These two are like if Meadow Soprano and Jackie Aprile Jr. were emotionally intelligent and their fathers weren’t in the mob. They head to another room in the theater and get a private concert from Feist. Remember Feist? 1, 2, 3, 4-Feist! Do you think Joey brought Maria on this date because as one of the older remaining women, she actually knows who Feist is? She gets the rose.
Before we can get to the rose ceremony, Lexi has to sit down with Joey. She says their connection is undeniable but they’re not on the same page in the same book. She goes to Joey’s hotel room and wastes no time telling him that this is all about timing. Because she’s dealing with infertility and her age, she doesn’t have time for a long engagement and another two years before they start trying for a kid. Joey is stunned. He is bereft. It seems like Lexi was definitely in his top four, maybe even his top two. It seems like he was willing to talk with Lexi if things went forward to hear more about her timeline and try to get on the same page. But Lexi says you can’t force someone to get on the same page as you. He tells her that she’s going to make an amazing mother and she’s going to get everything she wants. Mon Coeur!
It’s time for the cocktail party and we all know how this is going to end, so the only moments of interest are Daisy tricking Joey into giving her a foot massage and saying she wants it “multiple times a day and hard,” and Jenn forcing all the women to watch her teach Joey piano. She didn’t have to put her fingers in his mouth to show him how to press the keys, but even with a rose, she’s playing to win.
Time for the rose ceremony, there are only three roses on the pedestal and jaws drop. Well, maybe not Lea’s jaw, because she walks into the rose ceremony saying, “I think I’ll get a rose tonight. I’m excited for what’s to come for Lea and Joey.” Daisy, Kelsey A., and Rachel get the roses. Lea and Katelyn are going home.
Next week, Jasper, Canada. No one knows where that is! Au revoir!!
