Courtesy Rachel Craft
When I realized I needed to leave my husband, the part I feared most wasn't moving houses, filing paperwork, or figuring out who got the dog. It was breaking the news to my father. But in the end, it was my divorce that actually made us closer than we'd been in years.
I can't pinpoint exactly when things broke down between me and my dad, because there was no single argument or betrayal where our relationship went nuclear. He just gradually stopped taking me for bike rides, going to my soccer games, and watching movies with me and my mom.
He had also grown more irritable over time. More than once, his temper had flared over something insignificant, like when I spilled milk on the carpet, and lashed out in a way that left me feeling traumatized. His moods had shifted until he was no longer the fun, caring father I remembered. Although he and my mom stayed married, he quietly withdrew from the family like an island breaking away from the continent.
By the time I graduated from college and moved out of state, I essentially had no relationship with my dad. I saw him whenever I went home for the holidays or when my parents occasionally flew out to visit me, and though my dad and I learned to be civil during these interactions, we kept our distance.
The only way it seemed he knew how to show affection was with money, so when I got engaged to my boyfriend of seven years and he offered to pay for my wedding, I gratefully accepted the gift. I even let him walk me down the aisle, knowing this would likely be the pinnacle of our failed relationship.
When I realized a year later that I'd made a big mistake and needed to get a divorce, I called my mom in tears. But I put the conversation with my dad off for as long as possible. If he'd yelled at me for spilling milk back in seventh grade, I couldn't imagine how he'd react to me throwing away thousands of dollars on a marriage that had lasted just 14 months.
Weeks after my then-husband and I decided to split, my parents came to visit, and I was forced to own up. I broke the news over dinner at a Chinese restaurant (which was, ironically, called Double Happy). My mom already knew my marriage was over, but I eased into the conversation with my dad by saying I was having second thoughts and asking for his opinion.
He was shockingly understanding — in fact, he encouraged me to leave my marriage. He said he'd never thought we were compatible because I was a very driven person, while my then-husband lacked motivation and direction. The fact that my dad knew me this well and had been paying this much attention to my relationship, albeit from a distance, surprised me. He said he didn't think I could be happy long-term with someone who was so different, and if I didn't think it was going to work, I should get out sooner rather than later. He even joked that my fortune cookie said, "Divorce that schmuck."
It was the first proof I'd gotten in 15 years that he cared more about my happiness than money or a clean carpet. It helped me learn to trust him again. Over the coming months, I opened up to him — just a little — about my divorce. We began to tentatively navigate the distance that had formed between us, though there were still miles to go.
About six months after my divorce, I met my now-partner, Matt. I never imagined having a boyfriend would affect my relationship with my father — having a husband never had. But my ex had also never spent much time with my parents. Matt, on the other hand, seemed to fit seamlessly into our little family. Adding a fourth family member made me realize how much my dad had functioned as a third wheel for the last two decades.
When my dad had started to withdraw so long ago, my mom and I had, out of necessity, built our own family without him. We watched movies, baked cookies, and played board games — and though we invited Dad to join us, he said no frequently enough that we stopped asking after a while. My mom and I grew so close that, even when things started to improve with my dad post-divorce, there seemed to be no room for him anymore.
Adding Matt changed the family dynamic. Dad saw Matt doing these activities with us, and for the first time in decades, he joined in, too. Even more surprising, he seemed to enjoy himself. Now, he loves board games. It seems as though adding Matt was the catalyst my dad needed to carve out space for himself in our evolving family.
Four years after my divorce, I'm seeing the warm, fun side of my father that I didn't know still existed. I worried that my divorce would only deepen the gulf between us, but it ended up bringing us closer. It also made room for me to find the right partner — who, to my surprise, was key in helping my dad rejoin our family.
