I’m worried my husband is thinking about private lap dance he once had when we are intimate
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband confessed that he’d had a private lap dance. Now, whenever we are intimate, I reckon he must be thinking of her.
A big part of me wishes he had just lied about the whole thing.
We’re both in our late forties and have teenage children.
I knew something was awry when my husband came home worse for wear and stinking of perfume. I eventually made him tell me.
I’m no prude. I know he has been to strip clubs before and it never bothered me.
The difference here is this was a one-on-one dance in private. It feels so intimate.
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I got out of him that she was tall, slim, pretty and in her late 20s. Although I look after myself, my body is not as firm as pre-children.
We have never had problems regarding our sex life but now I keep finding myself questioning everything.
I keep quizzing him: Did she touch him? Did he touch her? Did he want to touch her? Apparently her breasts did brush his face but he kept his hands to himself.
He tried to justify what he did by telling me his boss paid for the dance. He says he never would have requested one himself.
I can’t stand the thought of this woman grinding on him and showing him all her bits.
He says he is sorry and that he loves me. He wants to move on but I keep wondering how he can love me when he allowed this to happen.
He could have refused but he didn’t. He said that while he enjoyed it, it made him feel uncomfortable and it meant nothing.
How do we get past this?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband went beyond the boundaries of what you are comfortable with, and the fact he initially denied having a lap dance suggests he knew you wouldn’t be happy.
Any action that violates the trust in a relationship is cheating.
But in his defence he did come clean, clearly loves you and wants to make amends.
You are torturing yourself by constantly asking for details.
By furnishing yourself with more images, it will be harder to move on.
Talk to him about how hurt and vulnerable you now feel. You want to move forward so ask for his reassurance that he won’t betray you in the same way again.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains more.