Dear Amy: I am a retired Catholic priest. For the most part, I have enjoyed these late-life years, especially as the pace of life has eased up.
However, one difficulty I’ve encountered stems from my years in active ministry.
During one of my assignments, I got to know a number of families associated with my ministry. I have remained in contact with several of these families and have been invited to celebrate baptisms, marriages, and funerals.
In recent years, two couples have invited me on a regular basis to have dinner with them. While I initially enjoyed these, a problem has emerged that involves one couple in particular.
This couple decided to stop attending church services. I felt this was their decision to make and have never criticized or judged them for it.
However, invariably during our evenings together they steer the conversation to their gripes about the Catholic Church.
I’ve gone so far as to meet privately with them, letting them know how uncomfortable I am with their behavior during something I consider an informal gathering of friends. All to no avail.
I usually end up leaving these dinners feeling angry and depressed.
These folks have been great friends for many years, but I’m at my wits end trying to figure out how best to deal with the situation. Should I just give up and decline future invitations?
– Father Confused
Dear Father Confused: I can only imagine the pressure you might feel to always respond to uncomfortable situations in a way that basically protects others.
Because you have retired from the formal part of ministry, it might not be necessary for you to be so discreet about your concerns when something bothers you.
My point is that although you will always be a priest, you absolutely have the human right to react publicly to topics, behavior or comments that bother or offend you.
If this happens again at a social occasion, you can say a version of, “Naturally, this is a very difficult topic for me, but I realize that my presence seems to trigger a discussion about the failings of the institution I’ve devoted my life to. I’ve mentioned this privately but I understand now that bringing it up is just too tempting to avoid, so I’ll take this as my cue to say goodnight.”
This is also an issue you might raise with your own pastoral counselor.
Dear Amy: Last year, I witnessed a tragic hit-and-run incident involving a car and a pedestrian. The pedestrian did not survive, and the incident deeply affected me.
After learning the victim’s name through local press coverage, I engaged in a brief email exchange with the organizer of an online fundraiser for the person’s survivors. I’ve never met the deceased, but I’ve been seeking a deeper sense of closure and feel that paying my respects at their resting place would be meaningful. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to locate this information.
Considering the sensitivity of the matter and my limited connection to the victim, I wonder if it would be appropriate for me, a stranger, to ask the friend of the deceased who organized the fundraiser about the burial location.
I am committed to approaching this with utmost respect for the feelings and privacy of those close to the victim.
What is your advice?
– Mourning a Stranger
Dear Mourning: I can imagine the deep sadness and lingering confusion you might feel after witnessing this crime. I also appreciate your concern and your stated desire to be sensitive toward the survivors.
As someone who has experienced the sudden, violent and traumatic loss of a family member, I would vote “no” on any stranger seeking out the gravesite, even someone with your compassionate and respectful intent.
However, there is no universal response to loss, and this victim’s family might feel and respond differently.
Reach out to the person who organized the fundraiser, and prepare yourself to accept whatever answer comes your way.
I strongly urge you to see a counselor specializing in trauma in order to continue to process the longer-term effect of witnessing this terrible event.
Dear Amy: “Looking” was frustrated by dating apps.
I found it interesting that you didn’t suggest seeking the help of a matchmaker.
I am in the process of getting certified; professional human matchmakers can help people the apps leave behind.
I’ve been happily married to my loving husband for almost 31 years. We met in a karaoke bar. Ha!
– I Love Love
Dear Love Love: This would make a great Broadway musical.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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