DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been upset for quite some time about a project I’m working on.
In a meeting the other day, I felt like my contributions were being overlooked while my colleagues’ were being lauded, and I lost it. I wrote a text to the leader and shared my disappointment.
Instead of acknowledging my feelings at all, she wrote back that it was inappropriate for me to have sent my thoughts in a text, and she refused to engage.
While I think her way of reacting to my text was wrong, I know we can’t keep going like this, not communicating. We are working together on this job.
Should I say something to her? My worry is that I have a lot on my mind about it, and I don’t want a conversation to become incendiary.
Normally, she just talks over people when she doesn’t want to hear what they have to say, and criticism is not something she takes well. I can’t leave things like this, though.
What should I do?
— Clear the Air
DEAR CLEAR THE AIR: Send her a short, emotion-free text inviting her to talk to you soon so that you two can clear the air.
When you do talk, tell her you have some things you need to share with her about how this project is going. Ask her to listen. Tell her the situation with brief examples to illustrate your issues, and bring a prepared list of grievances and concerns. Ask her to let you finish before she jumps in.
Be sure to give her space for comment after you complete a thought. Otherwise, she will just sit there boiling.
Speak to her with the intention of sharing your thoughts and feelings without attacking her. Hold the intention that this will be a healing experience rather than a skewering on either side.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I find myself in a tricky situation with my boyfriend’s sister, who’s keen on deepening our bond through frequent hangouts.
While I value our relationship, the frequency she prefers doesn’t align with my schedule or interests.
I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I need advice on dealing with her without straining our relationship, especially given her connection to my boyfriend.
— Off-Balance
DEAR OFF-BALANCE: It is sweet that your boyfriend’s sister wants to be part of your life. Step back and consider why she is doing this.
How old is she? What is her relationship with her brother? Could it be that your presence has whisked him away from her — as so many love relationships do to family and friends, especially in the beginning? Could she be missing her brother and jealous of your relationship? Or is she just genuinely interested in getting to know you and welcoming you into the family?
Either way, be gentle and strategic as you pull back from her. Explain that as much as you enjoy hanging out with her, you can’t do it as often as she would like.
Remind her of how you spend your time — work, extracurriculars, your boyfriend, life. Give her a few examples of what your week often looks like.
Suggest that you continue to hang out some, but be clear that you don’t have time to do it all the time. Stay in touch with her via text to let her know you care about her. A little bit of outreach will go a long way.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
