After 20 years of friendship, our relationship came to a close after a text from my former best friend's husband. It taught me a lot about self-love.
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"You don't deserve to be her best friend." Those words still linger in my mind a year later, all because of a missed birthday dinner.
I met my best friend (or my "best," as we called each other) of 18 years during our sophomore year in high school, and we've experienced many fluctuations in our relationship. However, we've always managed to come back together as if we've never pressed pause; no matter the disagreement, we've always picked our friendship back up and continued with the past behind us. It felt like we had a best friend in each other for life, and nobody could come between that.
When my best friend got married last year, it was understandable that our dynamic would change a bit, yet I'd never felt closer to her. We talked daily and saw each other more despite living an hour and a half apart. I'd moved away from where we grew up when I went to college and finding time to see each other was always our biggest struggle. So having a "bonus bestie," or "BB" (what I called her husband), who didn't mind dropping her off places was an extra perk. When our friendship ended, I was hurt and perplexed — especially because of the way it happened.
My best friend's birthday — when she chooses to celebrate it — is around Mother's Day, which has always been a bit of a drag because my mom is everything to me, and I like to spoil her on the holiday. But last year, she'd planned her birthday dinner a week early because she was leaving for a beach trip on her actual birthday, which was perfect because I had plans with my mom.
Unfortunately, I got sick with the flu the week of the dinner. I hoped for a speedy recovery, but it didn't happen. The day of her celebration, I still felt awful — I waited until a few hours before to make the final call about going, in case I could muster up the energy to make that drive, but I couldn't gather a milligram.
I texted my best friend with the bad news and could feel her disappointment through the phone. I tried to smooth things over by telling her I'd treat her to our favorite spot, Olive Garden (or "OG," as we called it) after she returned from her birthday beach trip and would bring her gift to dinner. OG held a special place in our hearts because we'd gone there as teens and split a Tour of Italy (a plate served with fettuccine Alfredo pasta, lasagna, and chicken parmigiana). She responded to the text saying that she was excited about our future outing and that we'd discuss what day we'd go later. I told her to enjoy her special night, and that we'd talk the next day.
About two minutes passed, and I received a scathing text message from her husband. It was a full paragraph telling me that I didn't deserve to be his wife's best friend. He told me how selfish I was, that I never showed up for her, how she's always shown up for me, and how I know nothing going on in her life because all I do is talk about myself.
All of it stunned me. Thinking back on our friendship, all I saw was the two of us showing up for each other. Sure, we've missed a few milestones, but our love for each other never wavered. Even when we haven't been on the best terms, we've still mutually wished each other well.
I started to respond, but I realized he didn't know me the way she did. After all, he wasn't the one who was my best friend; we'd only hung out a handful of times over the two years they'd been together.
I decided to text my best friend instead to get her perspective on his message, and to my surprise, she was short with me. She said it was her husband's perspective, but she made no attempt to rectify the situation by reassuring me that she didn't agree with what he'd said. I knew she still had a dinner to attend, so I decided to block him and just let it go for the night.
After a few days, I reached out to her again, hoping to resolve the situation, and it still felt weird, as if something had shifted in her; it seemed like she no longer cared and had already written me off. She said she felt that she was in the middle of her husband and friend. I was completely taken aback that she called me her friend rather than her best friend.
It also told me everything I needed to know. Not only did it feel like she chose him, but she'd had him speak for her and decided our friendship wasn't worth fighting for. I decided not to answer. Though the initial words came from her husband, my best friend had just broken up with me. There was no way to prepare for this kind of loss.
In the aftermath, I realized that I can only truly trust myself. For years, I've wanted people to reciprocate how I love them, but now I know that it isn't always realistic. Instead, I can love myself, depend on myself, and be my own best friend. I've learned a lot about self-love.
All in all, I wish them both well. I still love my ex-best friend; she was in my life for almost two decades and I'll cherish our memories. Though it can be difficult to mourn someone who isn't dead, the beauty of it is that I've learned so much about myself.
I've learned how resilient, patient, and selfless I am, and I don't believe that anything happens in vain, so I'm grateful for it all. I think people come into your life to teach you things, and I'm glad I've learned to love myself intentionally. I am more gentle with myself and I enjoy my solitude.
