By Jim Koury
As children, we were not concerned with the trials and tribulations of adulthood. We were in a state of innocence – a period of our lives not contaminated by someone else’s knowledge and worldview. Everyone around us was equal. We did not see sexual, racial, and religious inequity. We all saw other children like us despite some not being quite the same as we were. Sadly, that sense of equality and indifference toward others’ differences begins to be molded by someone else’s opinions very early in our lives.
I know when I was growing up, my hometown was a relatively homogenous one. It was predominately a white community, with only two or three black families and very few other minorities. There were queer folks, of course, but they were people to avoid and not talk about. Their existence is acknowledged but not accepted by many of the people I interacted with, including some family members and peers. From a very young age, my worldview – my innocence – was predominantly influenced by my surroundings, my extended family, and the ideologies held by the community. Looking back on some of these influences, they were not good ones, at times, as racism, homophobia, and most of the other phobias one could have about others who are different predominately drove them. However, it was the 1960s in somewhat conservative upstate New York, right, wrong, or otherwise.
As children, we also maintained few inhibitions. We entered into the unknown without fear. Curiosity and our desire to explore things outside our worldview guided us. We had not yet fallen victim to someone else’s dictate that “you can’t do that.” The unknown intrigued us and repelled us away from those who said we could not do something. How often do you remember being told you could not do something but did it anyway because your curiosity got the best of you? Of course, sometimes, we pay the price for not listening!
Somewhere along the spectrum of life, we begin to retain knowledge others give us. We increasingly become accountable to what others think and stop thinking for ourselves. We may think we have our own perspective, but in reality, it is the perspective of others that we harbor within us. Our innate sense of wandering into the unknown becomes regulated and often disappears into the abyss within ourselves. We become followers of others instead of the wanderers we were born as. We often maintain someone else’s worldview, even though we may not feel comfortable with it, but conform to the desire for unity and peace and not rock the boat. We, sadly, become comfortable out of necessity and allow our individuality to be subverted by the opinions of others, as it is just easier to do in some cases.
When one starts to realize they are queer, this conformance becomes all the more oppressive and restrictive since one’s individuality and what drives them does not mesh with society’s and others’ opinions. It creates tension and discomfort within the paradigms of thought taught to us from a very early age. It starts to be not as easy to conform as it once was in a different time.
Many, unfortunately, do not leave this comfortable state of existence, deal with the anxiety of pretending to be someone else, and accept a life of following others. We compromise our individuality, subjugating us to second-class status behind what someone else thinks of us. We become increasingly influenced by our families, friends, and others – subconsciously accepting it as our truth.
As we gain more and more knowledge, we begin a quest for answers to questions about ourselves and how we fit in. It naturally follows that we question all the things taught to us. It is like a sorting out process as our knowledge of the world expands. We sought out others we think can help us in our quest for truth. Alas, disappointingly, sometimes the influences we seek and find also perpetuate the subservience from which we wish to escape. We bury our individuality more deeply inside the dark unknown within ourselves.
At various stages of our lives, others impact our worldviews who are seeking the same truth. Association with like-minded people can spark the fire within us and ignite our passionate innate desire to journey forward without reservation into spheres of thought different from our own. Our well-trodden existence becomes boring, and we begin to stagnate. This spark of others can help us abandon a dull and stagnating existence.
Many are content to mire themselves in the stench of negativity born of stagnation of our minds and spirit. Others rekindle their internal fires and renew their inner wanderlust due to something they heard, someone they saw, or a book they read. They break free from false perceptions and discover the dormant internal essence inside us, all that we bury in the dark recesses of our consciousness.
As I have stated in previous articles, once we get bitten by the need to expand our horizons and explore all that is outside of our limited worldviews, there is no turning back. It is like that chocolate bar or other compulsiveness we fall victim to. We can’t put it down or stop partaking in it until it is gone! Seeking truth is the same concept. The journey to find it drives us until our higher power that resides within us in our subconscious aligns with our outward human manifestation.
Break free from your false truth! Rediscover what is deep inside. Be open and accepting of others, as they can be keys to unlocking the truths we exasperatingly seek out. Venture into the unknown reaches of your minds and discover what you sought for so many years outside of yourselves. The answers may lie in a time before knowledge, and we must return to that time of innocence as adults to find the truths of who we are and our life’s purpose. Remembering what made us happy in a time gone by that gets lost in the trials and tribulations of adulting can be vital to finding the same happiness and personal contentment again.
Jim is the author of two books, Unredacted, and Soul Journey, and also publishes an online publication, Diversity Rules Magazine. He resides in Upstate New York in the city where he was born, with his dog Lina and cat Critter.
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