DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother died in his early 60s of an unknown cancer, just five weeks after diagnosis.
His illness and death were likely related to his service in Vietnam.
I have been in the presence of people from that era who brag and even laugh at their “good fortune” at never having to serve there. “Good fortune,” that is, because some of them played fast and loose with health claims or knew a physician who would “doctor” their records. Or perhaps their father knew someone who knew someone, etc. I have been told a variety of strategies to avoid being drafted.
I’m astounded they would talk openly about any of this. I bring up my brother’s service and his death whenever this happens, which leads to a period of discomfort and backpedaling.
I feel I am justified, and that maybe they’ll think twice about bringing up their “good fortune” again. What do you think?
GENTLE READER: We can agree on the bad manners and bad morals being displayed by such people, and you are not asking what Miss Manners thinks of your own behavior. So let us discuss results.
It seems likely that the people you accost will conclude that you, not they, are the problem.
If, when you next witness such behavior, you allow yourself to look as distraught as you feel, and quickly and emphatically excuse yourself, you are more likely to cause them to examine their own behavior. And you will have done it without being impolite.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently dine out with a close friend. We are both well into adulthood, but she seems to have missed one element of dining etiquette: that one should cut and eat one piece of food at a time.
If presented with a chicken breast, she will cut it up and mix the pieces with the potatoes and gravy on the plate before beginning to eat. She will cut up a whole pancake and mix it with the syrup, or tear apart a whole biscuit and butter each of the pieces.
It is, I admit, aesthetically unappealing, although I abide by the rule of not correcting another adult’s manners. More significantly, her profession sometimes entails dining in formal and diplomatic settings, and I worry that others will judge her unkindly.
Since I cannot correct her, I am hoping that Miss Manners will state the proper approach, and that my friend may read it and recognize the error of her ways.
GENTLE READER: Ah, if only it were that easy.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I’m seated at a table with other people in a restaurant, and an acquaintance comes over to talk to me, is it OK to stay seated? Or should I stand up to talk, or should the person squat down to my level (which I hate)?
GENTLE READER: If the interloper is being polite, you will not have time to decide: They would only stop long enough to apologize for the interruption and say a quick hello before moving on.
Miss Manners makes no objection to your asking the person to join your party, but, if you do not want to do so, then remaining seated with a beatific smile will help keep any discussion short.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
