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If you find yourself in the middle of an emotionally-charged argument with your partner, or feel stuck in a relationship slump, it's normal to wonder if your dynamic is still working.
Usually, if a relationship is past the point of saving, there are compounding factors at play, like being critical of a partner's character and a lack of interest in improving your bond, according to Aldrich Chan, a therapist and neuropsychologist. If one or both partners exhibits these behaviors, it could mean your relationship is fizzling out, he said.
Of course, weathering some challenging periods and disagreements with your partner is normal, and can certainly strengthen a relationship when handled with care, Chan said. "But if multiple factors are co-occurring, or occurring all in tandem, it can really increase the risk of a relationship failing," he told Business Insider.
It's one thing to feel frustration or annoyance towards your partner from time to time. But if you or your partner repeatedly respond to those negative feelings by attacking the other person's character, it could irreparably harm your connection, according to Chan.
If, when you and your partner argue, the conversation regularly devolves into hurtful remarks or sarcastic retorts, it can put emotional distance between partners or lead to resentment, Chan said.
"It's characterized by a demeaning attitude, where one partner acts with moral superiority over the other partner," Chan told BI. In a healthy dynamic, partners argue with the goal of understanding each other, not putting one another down, he said.
During heated disagreements, some people can feel overwhelmed and may need to take a pause to process their emotions before finding a solution with their partner. It's normal, and even helpful, to ask for space to do this, Chan said.
But if someone goes quiet without communicating their need to do so first, and gives their partner the silent treatment, it could be a sign the relationship isn't working, according to Chan.
He said this behavior, often referred to as "stonewalling," can erode trust and connection because it leaves the other partner feeling threatened and uncertain during a major point of tension.
If someone doesn't agree with their partner, feels unheard, or wishes their partner behaved differently, it's better to tell them as directly and calmly as possible, so you can work through it together, said Chan.
Everyone messes up in their relationship from time to time, accidentally reigniting an argument because they didn't calm down enough first, or forgetting to schedule date night because work got busy.
But if you or your partner find that you no longer have the energy or interest to make your connection stronger and more sustainable, it could be time to end things, Chan said.
"If you've tried multiple times to communicate with your partner in a clear and concise way — and perhaps you've even changed some things for your partner — but they seem to be resisting all of your attempts, then that's a sign it's not working," Chan told BI.
In a healthy dynamic, partners apologize for their missteps and work to invest in relationship-strengthening practices, like reading self-help books, going to therapy, and regularly checking in with each other about how to improve the dynamic, according to Chan.
