I’m sore for home, Mister Barts. The first thing I’m going to do when I get back is start a family. I’m going to hold hands with my lady Evyelynne for six hours, and as soon as that’s over, I’ve got a ring ready for the proposal. It’s just the simple life for me from here on out. By the way, I’ve got something incredibly important to tell you about the meaning of life. I’ve been thinkin’ a lot actually, and you know—nah, it’s just silly stuff, never mind. Doy!
I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to live another day as a repressed member of this misogynistic cult. You keep watch, Barts. You’re the indispensable hero of this operation. And here, hold onto my Michael Kors fanny pack. It reminds me of my mother, in the before-times. She always loved MK. I’ll be back to reclaim it before you can say “feminism.”
Barts, you must have been huffing Neptunian vapors for the last fifty centuaria… you’ll never jam a second-gen Sagittarian comms portal on an Imperial laser dock! Yeah, I’m just out of the academy on BMX-360, but I’ll spiffy the jiffy on your escape pod in no time. You won’t regret bringing me along, that’s for sure!
It’s heavenly to sit in this field together, my precious, beautiful Baby Barts. Run along to the glade now and bring back some wildflowers for nibbling. And remember, I’ll always be here to protect you.
Look, a breeze flutters the sleeve of a battered wool trench coat behind enemy lines. It makes one think, doesn’t it, Barts? One wonders whether they bathe just as we do: in the mud. But war is no time for indulging the meandering ruminations of a delicate mind. Every boy must become a man. And in the crucible of battle, every man must become a monster. The men amuse themselves any way they can. For me, it is our daily heart-to-hearts and, of course, my poems.
Oh, do let me braid your hair and tie your girdle before the debutante ball tonight, Bartsina! There. You look absolutely radiant. Promise to come home and tell me all about it? [Coughs, then spits blood discreetly into a kerchief.] Oh, heavens me, your bonnet’s been snagged on that snow-covered oak in the gardens, and it’s getting drenched in the freezing rain! I’ll run outside to get it!
[Communicated through excited barks and urination:] I can’t BELIEVE I’m at my new home FINALLY! Barts, we are going to have so much fun. We are going to chew so much furniture and then hump it! Are you guys fighting? Why is it so noisy? What’s “couple’s therapy”? Where are you going? Isn’t it time for lunch?
Don’t cry, Daddy Barts! I still believe in you no matter what. As long as we have each other, we’ll be okay.
Shut up and come at me again, Barts! Ha, and ha! Even after ten years of daily instruction, your teacher can still rollerblade circles around you! Oh, that? That’s just an old knee injury. Acts up when it rains, is all. Sure, there are more and more zombies around—so what? I’d outskate them, no problem.
[Too busy eating a sponsored Nature Valley bar and chuckling at a video playing on his iPad to notice Barts stealthily approaching on the security camera.]
I wish you didn’t have to go, Agent Barty. Why can’t you ever tell me about your missions? Come back soon! I have so few defining characteristics outside my affection for you that if you leave, I’ll basically cease to exist. Just know that I’ll be lying here on this chateau bed, naked but for this red gossamer kimono artfully arranged over my naughty bits, with the door unlocked, until you get back. Then you’ll find me here exactly as you left me.
What’s that weird sound? Are you messing with me, Barts? Fine, I’ll go check it out.
