Editor’s note: To mark the 11th anniversary remembrance of the Sandy Hook shooting, Erica Lafferty, the daughter of slain Sandy Hook Elementary principal Dawn Hochsprung, wrote a letter to her mother as she battles a rare cancer.
Mommy,
It’s been 11 years since I’ve seen your face. Eleven years since I’ve been able to give you a hug or hear you and Sissy make fun of me for being … well, me.
I have done so many incredibly stupid things that you would be so mad at me for, but you would be so proud of how I fought like crazy to get out of bad situations and turn my life around into the person that you always told me that I could be, things I never thought possible. Happy. Successful. A good wife and mother.
I wish you were here to mock my insane collection of dogs. You’d love each of them along with their eclectic personalities (especially Jinx, whom I named after one of our longest-standing inside jokes).
I’d do anything to see you spend time with our kids. Cassie has such a loving, caring and beautiful soul. She is incredibly funny, and we would probably have some serious arguments about who gets to hang out with her most. She is everything I could ever dream of in a child and best friend. Chris would be absolutely amazed by your energy and would totally nerd out soaking up everything you had to teach him. He has such a thirst for knowledge! You would forever be comparing his natural athletic abilities to yourself (and let’s be honest, you’d try to take full credit for it). I might actually be worried to leave you and Sabrina alone together, the plots, pranks and jokes would be never-ending! She is such a sarcastic and witty little thing, and your fiery personalities would play perfectly off of each other. You would be so proud of her fearless approach to life. Mostly, I think you would be so genuinely impressed with how hard they are all able to love at such young ages.
I hate that you’re missing all of this. I hate that I can’t call you and tell you how terrified I am of these tumors that are spreading all over and eating my body alive. I want to lay in bed with you and just cry it out. I want to tell you the whole truth about how it feels, I want to talk to the one person in the world that I didn’t have to hold a brave face for. I want to tell you about how crazy unfair and broken our health care system is and how scared I am that Steve and I will not be able to afford to keep me alive. I want to hear you tell me that we will be OK and that we will figure something out because we have no other choice. I want your love and your reassurance.
I feel so selfish to have so much in this world and still go to bed each night needing and wanting more. I want you to tell me that it is not selfish to want to stay alive for my family and I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to live.
My heart is still broken, Momma. I will never get over you.
I love you.
Missing you always,
Your Baby Girl
