"Last Week Tonight" delivered a kind of political eulogy for recently expelled Rep. George Santos (R-NY), with a personal request from John Oliver that he be given the reality show he so richly deserves.
While the Santos political career might rest in peace, Oliver remembered some of the greatest hits of the Republican's time in office. Citing the recently released House Ethics Committee report that detailed campaign spending on Ferragamo shoes, Botox injections and OnlyFans, Oliver said, "If you're going to do something you're not supposed to do, that is the way to f---ing do it. Looking good. Going out. And getting off on gig economy porn. How am I supposed to be mad about him spending campaign funds vibing out on diva sh-t?"
He pointed to the Ethics Committee report, which included Santos' own "vulnerability report," collected by his campaign. Most campaigns draft an opposition research report on their challengers, but they also do one on themselves to know what to expect in attacks. In the case of Santos, even the photo on the front page was incriminating.
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"This is the actual photo they used!" said Oliver. "Which is spectacular! It is a photo that says 'Opening for Sebastian Maniscalco,' or 'I Faked My Own Death for the Insurance Money: A TED Talk.'"
In an interview with Monica Matthews on X-Spaces, Santos attacked the House move, saying that the rest of Congress is just as bad or worse as he is.
"I mean, within the ranks of the United States Congress, there's felons galore, there's people with all sorts of sheisty backgrounds, and all of the sudden George Santos is the Mary Magdalene of the United States Congress," said Santos. "We're all gonna stone this motherf---er because it's just politically expedient. Right? Now, no pun intended, I was born on Mary Magdalene's Day, which is July 22nd, which, I find it to be absolutely ironic."
Oliver pointed out that every word of the statement is a "jewel, and it's impossible to pick the sparkliest. First, it's good that he said 'no pun intended' because 'no pun detected.' Second, that's not irony, that's a coincidence. And finally, not to be a total astrology girl here, but it makes so much sense that he's a Cancer-Leo cusp. Prone to fits of emotion. Loves to be the center of attention and recently hard-launched a husband. That sh-t is textbook!"
"Just think of everything he packed in during his brief time on the national stage, like when he implied that his young niece had been kidnapped from a playground in Queens, possibly in retaliation for his comments about China. Or the '9/11 claimed my mother's life,' even though she wasn't even in New York at the time. That kind of messiness isn't just 'friends of' behavior, it's full-on Housewife!"
Ultimately, Oliver explained that Santos doesn't belong in Congress. He belongs on Bravo, the network that has become known for showing overly dramatic, wealthy socialites humiliating themselves in designer clothing for the everyday American to mock and ridicule.
"Santos was unmatched at giving us headlines like, 'George Santos has Meltdown While Holding Mystery Baby,'" Oliver read. Santos replied to questions about whether the baby was his by saying, "Not yet," which Oliver called the single greatest response other than "What baby?"
"Santos delivered hard for us. And I don't want him to be in my government, and I don't want him to sit next to him on an airplane, but I definitely want him in Andy Cohen's menagerie of damaged human beings," Oliver closed.
