FEELING more frazzled than festive?
There’s still time to aim for a calmer Christmas.
Psychologist Catherine Hallissey – who runs festive masterclasses for stressed-out parents – shares her top tips.
I’ll never forget the Christmas I nearly reached breaking point.
It was December 25, 2016 and, that night, I collapsed on to the sofa beside my husband Paul, fighting back tears.
“We can never have another Christmas like that,” I said. We’d finally settled our five kids, aged between six months and 10 years old, after spending the day at my parents’.
Instead of savouring joyous memories, I felt burnt out. I’d spent the day feeling tense and worrying about the kids’ behaviour, or that they weren’t eating the turkey my mum had cooked.
Instead, they were tearing through their presents and running around the house.
I’d barely sat down. The build-up, endless shopping and preparation had wiped me out.
Now it was over, I felt deflated. So I grabbed a pen and spent that night writing a list of what had gone wrong to remind myself for the following year.
Then, the next December, I made a few simple changes to our routine.
For the first time in years, Paul and I enjoyed Christmas. I knew I wasn’t the only one who found Christmas stressful; parents I worked with said the same.
Yet I’d surprised myself by how simple it had been to change it up for the better, and I wanted to share my advice. In December 2018, I held my first Christmas masterclass in Cork, where we live.
I was stunned when 30 parents turned up. Together we came up with step-by-step plans to make their festive seasons less challenging.
My masterclass became so popular that I made it available online.
So, take a breath, and start planning the Christmas you actually want…
First, jot down everything that’s worrying you about this Christmas – from buying presents to work parties and family visits.
Next, write how you’d like to feel after the holidays, whether that’s happy because you spent quality time with loved ones, or relaxed because you had a break from work.
Then look at the list and highlight what really matters to you. Now you can start to make some changes.
It’s easy to blow the shopping budget. Note down roughly what you’ve already spent and what you still need to buy.
Suggestions to save money include agreeing an upper spend limit on family gifts or only buying presents for those you see on the big day.
Perhaps everyone agrees to get gifts for children, but not adults.
Trust me, most people are delighted when their shopping list is cut down!
With friends, suggest meeting for a drink or coffee rather than exchanging gifts – that way, you get quality time together with less expense.
Just because you’ve made the four-hour round trip to your cousin’s drinks party in the past, it doesn’t mean you should do it again.
We tend to be overly optimistic about how much time we have at Christmas, spreading ourselves too thin.
Prioritise who you need and want to see. Explain that circumstances have changed, and suggest an alternative – maybe a visit after Christmas or in January – which might be a relief to them anyway.
Don’t panic if you’ve already committed – there’s still time to make changes.
Just be upfront and honest, explaining you’ll need to adjust the plans a little. Even if you’re met with resistance, calmly stick to your guns – you’re entitled to have the Christmas you want.
Think about what’s important to you and your family on the big day. If cooking a turkey terrifies you, don’t do it.
Let your guests know you’d love them to come, but you’ll be serving non-traditional food to allow you to spend more time with them.
Some people will accept this better than others, but remember, you’re hosting.
If anything other than a roast is unthinkable, share the load by asking that someone brings the starter, another the dessert and someone else brings crackers.
If you know your children won’t eat much Christmas dinner or sit at the table for long, don’t force it.
Try giving them lunch before, even if it’s beans on toast! It works in our house, and then the kids play while we enjoy the meal.
When children are hyperstimulated, they often feel overwhelmed, so may open presents without really appreciating them.
One of the first changes I made for our family was scaling back the number of gifts. Now each child receives three presents and a stocking.
The sooner I accepted that Christmas was never going to be perfect, the more I started enjoying it.
So that’s what I advise! It takes the pressure off when you accept some bits will go well and some won’t.
Hopefully, there will also be some nice moments, and those are the ones to hold on to. You might find you relax more.
Laugh at the minor disasters, too – burnt Christmas puds can make for funny memories!
Instagram feeds filled with Lapland visits and jaw-dropping tablescapes can make you feel inadequate.
Remind yourself that you’re seeing someone else’s highlights and comparing them to your reality.
As a psychologist, I’ve learned first-hand that children remember the time they spend with their families.
So keep it simple. A couple of festive activities you can do together every December is enough.
Whether it’s a film on Christmas Eve with hot chocolate or a walk around your neighbourhood to spot the twinkly lights, it’s a tradition that you have created and something you can all look forward to.
Before packing away the decorations in January, take a moment to reflect and note what worked well this year – and what didn’t.
As your family becomes more used to your boundaries, they’ll adjust their expectations, too. The great thing about Christmas is most of us are lucky to have another next year.
So see Christmas as a work in progress – make a few tweaks each year and it gradually becomes less stressful and more fun.
