Courtesy of Steve Gardner
As an admissions expert, I've helped many teens get admitted to their dream colleges. I've also seen many families stress out over items that don't matter — or, worse, neglect some that do.
Too often, teens, along with their parents, worry about how to impress admissions officers. Apprehension kicks in as they try to tick off as many "impressiveness" boxes as possible during high school. But real growth doesn't happen during this superficial and frenzied approach.
When I work with young teens, it's clear that some of them come from families who have very high expectations for academics and even activities — all with the hope that they'll get into the best colleges.
My wife and I are raising our two sons differently so they're better set up for college. Here's how I'm ensuring my 9- and 7-year-olds are set up to be great humans, not just great applicants.
When children begin a class with gaps in understanding, knowledge base, or critical skills, they struggle to keep up. Embarrassed, they try to hide their gaps.
Upon discovering that one of my children was below grade level in reading fluency, we read daily as a family that summer. To jump-start our children's mental progress, we added math and writing exercises. Once the children knew to expect the exercises, the activities became routine and not torture. In the fall, our children entered school as confident, prepared, and happy students.
If your teen or preteen has similar knowledge gaps, no amount of willpower or positive thinking will compensate. They may feel like school is impossibly difficult and they're not smart enough to succeed. Free tools such as Khan Academy can help fill these gaps and rebuild their confidence.
Parents naturally love to see their children win. But when teens start to believe their value comes from their ability to perform well, they begin to fear being bad at anything. Ironically, their early success eliminates future success. To learn skills, one must be willing to be bad before getting better.
When my young son focused too much on fast results, we quickly corrected course. As soon as he said, "Look at how fast I earned three stars," I redirected his focus back to skill development. I reinforced growth with comments like, "Last week it was really hard for you to play this song. Now, after practicing, you can do it easily. Your brain must have figured it out."
If a child is frustrated right after a difficult task, I say, "Wow, you worked hard on that. I'll bet your brain hurts right now. You must be learning a lot."
Overscheduled teens don't have time to be amazed at the world around them, even though demonstrating academic curiosity is one of the greatest keys to admissions success. Parents can help. As someone who has taught every grade from sixth to 12th, I know firsthand that teens can seem disinterested in everything — until you mention something they care about.
I try to be aware of my children's interests. In addition to giving them space and time to explore, a question that sparks curiosity can fuel real growth. Young people often lack the life experience to know what they can explore. Parents can play a role in guiding and supporting preteens in activities that generate their awe and enthusiasm.
If a teen equates personal value with where they get admitted to college, their mental and physical health can suffer. They may feel tempted to copy their friends who add activities or take more advanced classes just to be impressive. They may overlook curiosity and growth in favor of quick but hollow wins. They may succumb to "ticking off boxes" syndrome.
With regard to college admissions, please rethink this. The failure rate for shortcuts is high. When applying for college, teens do need to demonstrate academic competency. Beyond that, they need to tell the story of who they are and how they can positively influence their communities. They do not need to be perfect, and it's not a race to see who can tick the most boxes.
For the best outcomes, don't forget that real growth happens slowly. It can't be rushed or hacked or crammed. Be curious, explore interests with gusto, and focus on skills and growth rather than awards and checkboxes. Success will follow.
