DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a sophomore in college, and I have two roommates. We live together in a dorm and have had our disagreements, but we have gotten over them.
They recently told me that they are going to move out together, which caught me off-guard, and I’m left feeling surprised and somewhat abandoned.
It feels so weird to me that they wouldn’t tell me anything before now. I asked them why and they told me that they wanted to move to a dorm closer to their classes, but this seemed like an excuse covering up the real reason — probably that there was an underlying issue they had with me.
I guess the positive outlook is that I get a room to myself, but I don’t like knowing that I have unresolved issues with people.
Do you think that I should ask them what the real reason is that they are moving out, or should I just leave the matter alone?
— Left Behind
DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Given that there is a chance that you can learn from this situation, do ask them why they made the decision and why they kept it from you.
Ask them what you have done or said that made them feel so uncomfortable that they would plan this move behind your back. Offer that if you have offended or hurt them, you apologize. Agree that you know things haven’t always been great, but you thought you had worked through your differences.
See if they will give you any indication of why they have made this choice. You can’t force them to tell you, but it would be helpful for your growth if they do.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I enjoy mentoring, but my teenage mentee’s behavior is heading down a problematic path. She is unwilling to do the work that is required for her to finish high school.
How can I tactfully address my concerns without upsetting her, considering her short temper?
— Mentoring Skills
DEAR MENTORING SKILLS: Look back at your own life and those of your friends and peers. Can you think of a story to share with your mentee that will illustrate what success can look like if you do the work needed and one that shows what happens if you don’t?
People can often hear criticism better when it is not directed specifically at them. She may be able to relate to the story of someone else who slacked off and didn’t end up getting into college or being prepared to start the next chapter of their life.
Search for stories about managing your emotions as well. You say she has a short temper. It would be good for her to recognize that about herself now so that she can learn to self-regulate. Being emotionally out of control does not support a successful journey in life.
You both may want to read “Lessons Learned and Cherished: The Teacher Who Changed My Life” by Deborah Roberts. This inspiring book has wonderful transformative stories of a teacher’s impact on others. The Ford Foundation’s Darren Walker has an especially moving story about changing his attitude and, in turn, his trajectory.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
