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In March, one of my best friends and I entered a small, candlelit room in Brooklyn, New York, with eclectic decor and communal tables set for a pop-up five-course tasting meal.
A sommelier introduced himself before pouring our glasses of natural sparkling wine, and the chef for the evening popped out from the kitchen area to introduce himself. My friend and I introduced ourselves to the other guests at our table.
"Are you two a couple?" one of our tablemates, who was part of a couple himself, asked.
"We're friends," I replied.
"That's so nice, to do something special like this with a friend," he said.
He was right. I love taking my friends on nonromantic dates, and it has helped me better understand what I'm looking for in a romantic partnership.
In 2020, I remember having my first restaurant meal in months, at an outdoor table with a dear friend I hadn't seen since the city shut down, and thinking, "I'll never take this sort of thing for granted again."
In my reemergence from lockdown, I was single and started to plan very intentional, datelike hangouts with friends.
We'd go to museums and then go to a café and talk about what the art made us feel. I attended shows and tried shuffleboard for the first time, visited botanical gardens, and booked reservations at restaurant pop-ups — all with dear friends.
I brought friends as plus-ones to holiday and birthday parties. I was delighted to experience more of the world again, and it felt special to share these moments with close friends.
These friend dates felt different than just hanging out. I realized that I loved taking the time to intentionally plan an enriching and exciting excursion. The intentionality behind the planning deepened the love I shared with these friends, while providing me with a new context for what I wanted in a romantic relationship.
A good date, to me, isn't just about going to a fancy restaurant or a hot, new exhibition. I feel the most fulfilled after a date when I feel closer to the person I've spent time with. I like to learn more about them, opening up to each other in ways that can feel vulnerable but are met with kindness and curiosity. I also love when dates are fun, slightly spontaneous, and a bit of an adventure.
As I started to go on romantic dates again, I thought that a marker of an exciting romantic partner for me was someone I liked to hang out with as much as I liked being with my friends. I feel lucky to have such meaningful friendships. If a romantic date didn't make me feel like I could be open, silly, and spontaneous, the way I like to be with my friends, I knew that person probably wasn't for me.
I didn't expect, of course, to immediately have the same level of emotional depth as I did with people I'd been friends with for years. But I started to notice when I felt comfortable enough around someone to be myself. I also felt clearer about which sort of things I liked to spend my time doing, and I knew I wanted a romantic partner who would enjoy doing some of these things with me.
Going on more of these friend dates reminded me that while I eventually wanted a partner to be a major part of my life, it was important to me that my friends still felt prioritized and cared for. I wanted to continue to nurture and celebrate the deep friendships in my life the way I would a romantic relationship. I also realized that it was important for me to find a partner who also deeply valued their friendships and cared intentionally in their platonic relationships.
I'm now in a relationship with someone I love very much. We have similar values and priorities, and we go on fun, often spontaneous dates. When we first met, I knew pretty quickly that I would probably fall in love with them.
Recently, our friend said it was clear how much love was shared between my partner and me. "I can also tell," he said, "that the two of you are really good friends."
