DEAR DEIDRE: We were engaged to be married, but all of a sudden my fiancée went off sex.
I was frustrated, then upset when I discovered the reason why — she was having sex with an ex.
That was more than 20 years ago but the memory still leaves me feeling low and vulnerable.
I’m 48 now and my wife is 49. We managed to sort out our relationship because I confronted her and she came clean, begging my forgiveness.
She said she had panicked about settling down. Her parents didn’t have a good relationship, and she was worried about locking herself into a miserable future.
Since then we both worked hard at our marriage and have had years of happiness with our son and daughter.
But recently my wife has been rejecting me again and doesn’t want to have sex any more.
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If I try to touch her, she freezes and pulls away. It’s killing me.
It’s bringing back awful memories of when she cheated before.
I want to know if she is avoiding sex with me because she is sleeping with another man, just like she did all those years ago.
On the occasions she agrees to have sex, I feel she’s doing it because she feels sorry for me, or sees it as a way to divert my suspicions.
What can I do?
In a way I don’t want to ask her if she’s being unfaithful again, because I don’t think I’ll cope with that reality for a second time. It was so awful the first time around.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: At 49 it is very likely that your wife is perimenopausal.
One of the most common symptoms is a lowered sex drive.
Many women also experience pain when having intercourse because the change in hormones results in vaginal dryness.
So rather than jump to the worst conclusion, start to talk to your wife and ask her about how she is feeling.
It would also be good to encourage your wife to visit her doctor and discuss hormone replacement treatment.
Panicking silently won’t help anyone, so let her know you are missing the intimacy you once shared.
All couples will experience fluctuations in their libidos which is completely normal.
Stress, depression, health changes, or problems in the relationship can all affect how a couple are connecting sexually.
My support pack Different Sex Drives explains more.
