DEAR MISS MANNERS: As someone whose goal is to provide a great experience for guests in her home, I make sure I set up, on tables and buffets, items that I’m offering for guests to eat and drink.
I always have a ton of food left over after get-togethers, as I never want to run out.
We have a family member who comes over two or three times per year. He constantly opens our fridge, surveys the contents and then helps himself to other snacks and drinks, when there is already ample food and drink provided.
I find this so strange, and it makes me uncomfortable, as though I’m not doing enough to be a good host.
Is it appropriate to feel this way? And if so, how might I discourage this in the future?
GENTLE READER: There is such a thing as behavior that is too familial, even when it is coming from actual family members.
While you have cause to be annoyed, Miss Manners would not take it as an affront to your abilities as a host.
She suggests that the next time this person comes over, you plant yourself (or a deputy) firmly in front of the refrigerator. When he approaches, politely ask whether he needs something that is not already out. Either that, or install childproof locks.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Both my parents and my in-laws are wonderful people. They are kind and generous, and have been very supportive of my husband and me.
They do a lot to help out with projects, care for their grandkid and give gifts. I know they don’t do any of it to gain something from us, but I would like to be able to show more appreciation for them. Sometimes I feel like the balance of the family is skewed, and I’m not contributing to the family the way they are.
Since they have all saved and been careful with money, they are able to retire (or work for the fun of it). So any gift I give them feels cheap, since if they want something, they can just get it themselves. Plus, they could probably afford better than I could.
If I offer one-on-one time with their grandchild (whom they all adore and love spending time with) as a gift, I am basically asking for babysitting.
How can I give something, or offer an experience with their grandchild, without it coming across as cheap or like I’m taking advantage?
GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that you are overthinking this. You do not have to pay grandparents back for their obvious joy in helping out family; that is the natural order, and no one here seems to be complaining.
However, hosting family dinners, suggesting inexpensive outings or ones where you can procure tickets in advance (theater, sports, etc.) are ways to show that you appreciate them. So is just saying so — and checking that the children write their thank-you letters.
But if you really want to reward your elders, Miss Manners suggests you spare them from having to listen to your child’s taste in music. She promises they will appreciate it.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
