Plus: I'm friends with feuding siblings, and the drama is wearing on me.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always been an outsider, and not by choice. It just seems to happen.
I started a job this year where I thought it might be different. We all go into the office, and on many occasions a group of people my age go out after work for drinks or whatever they do. They have never invited me.
I’m kind of shy, so I haven’t gotten up the courage to ask to go. I do talk to them when I see them in the hall or in the lunchroom, but the conversation never goes anywhere.
How can I get them to see me and invite me to go out with them?
— Outside the Group
DEAR OUTSIDE THE GROUP: If you want the chance to join this group at work, you have to say something.
Who in the group have you talked to the most? Strike up a conversation with that person. You may want to invite that person to have drinks with you after work one day. Or you can go straight for the big ask. Tell this person that you have noticed that they go out a lot and you would like to join some time. Ask if that would be possible.
It could be that they never thought about it. They have been doing their thing together for so long, they might be on autopilot. Put yourself out there and ask. You may be surprised at how easy it will be to get an invitation.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am friends with an extremely dysfunctional family. I love all of the siblings, but sometimes it’s hard to listen to them as they each individually complain about the others to me.
Their level of animosity is off the charts, and each of them thinks he or she is right and the others are all wrong.
I never share an opinion because I don’t want to take sides, and I have figured out that each of them has good points. It seems that nobody is 100% right or wrong.
I tire of the drama and am concerned about how they are going to manage over time. Their parents are dead. They have each other, but they don’t act like it. They just fuss and point fingers and take turns not speaking to each other.
It’s awful. How can I be of better help to them?
— Feuding Siblings
DEAR FEUDING SIBLINGS: There is not much that you can do. Since you seem invested in this family, you should create boundaries for your own protection.
Allow a fixed amount of time that you will listen to their complaints. After that time is up, tell them you can’t listen any longer. Continue to remain neutral. Your opinion will only feed the flame.
You can state as much — you are intentionally not sharing your personal thoughts about the matter. Be helpful when you see a need. Since the siblings are not supporting each other right now, jump in if you notice something concrete that you can address, but don’t become a crutch. Just be a friend.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
