Dear Amy: My husband will be turning 80 next year and I suggested to my daughter that, since everyone in our family loves Disney, the 10 of us should spend the week of his birthday in Orlando. (My husband’s birthday falls during a holiday week, and the children are not in school.)
She said she thought this was a fun idea, but now she wants to go on a cruise, instead.
Our daughter is well aware that my husband does not wish to go on a cruise.
So she and her family have planned a week-long cruise for that week, which means they won’t be with us for the birthday or any part of that holiday week.
I am very hurt by their decision and find that this is bringing up a long list of past hurts that I have never verbalized.
It’s pretty much all I think about.
In your opinion, should I tell her how hurt I am, or should I let it go?
– Sad Mother and Grandmother
Dear Sad: Recently I was talking with another parent who has adult children (also with grandchildren), and she offered that elder parents should never correct adult children. Her point was that they are adults, and that elder parents should accept and support their choices, even if the parents disagree with these choices.
I agree with the spirit of this point of view where it concerns not interfering with the decisions of competent adults to run their own lives and relationships the way they want to – but when these decisions directly affect your own life, are you supposed to remain silent?
I don’t think so.
One advantage of being appropriately honest is that slights don’t build up and become overwhelming. Expressing a basic view (“You have the right to make your own choices, but I disagree with this one”) enables you to express yourself honestly, and move on.
I suggest approaching this as a conversation, versus a confrontation. Don’t use loaded words like “selfish,” “thoughtless,” or “ungrateful.” Say to her, “I’m confused by your choice to take the kids on a cruise the same week that we proposed taking the whole family to Orlando to celebrate your father’s birthday. Can you explain your thinking?”
If your daughter’s reasoning disappoints you, you should say so: “Dad and I were hoping to make this a family vacation, and we’re disappointed you won’t be with us.”
Dear Amy: When my parents were living, I traveled to seasonal family events, despite the taunts of a younger sister who is a classic bully.
She needled and provoked and then found a way to blame me for her actions, which no one would discuss or correct.
There was no right approach. To confront or walk away were equally disparaged by family members.
Finally, I stopped attending events when she was there because of the discomfort and lack of respect.
Once our parents died, she felt free to exclude me from the three separate weddings of her children, none of whom were ever friendly to me, despite my efforts to have relationships with them.
These actions contributed to an estrangement from her family, and eventually that of my younger siblings.
I have since reunited with the other siblings.
All of them live in the same area.
I declined to visit because I want no further contact with the bully or her family. The siblings do not understand why I can’t let bygones be bygones.
I say that her family already made its decision years ago and has avoided me ever since. Your opinion?
– Beyond Bullying
Dear Beyond: I’m with you. However, I think it’s important for you to understand that by declining to visit with your other siblings because of your estrangement with your younger sister, she is continuing to control you.
You maintain that she is avoiding you. So – let her continue to avoid you as you enjoy your renewed relationship with your siblings.
In my opinion, refusing to let this person control you IS “letting bygones be bygones.”
If you do encounter her and she resumes her bullying behavior, you can calmly and promptly make the choice to leave.
Dear Amy: I could not believe the wedding shower described by “Gobsmacked!”
Luxury goods piled in the middle of the room, with invitations for attendees to pay for them?
I fear you’ve been had.
– Unbelievable
Dear Unbelievable: I would have been skeptical about this query, but for the fact that I once attended a massive baby shower with similar overtones.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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