Miss Manners: I was appalled by her request for her daughter’s birthday

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m often flummoxed by some people’s gall, but this situation, in my humble opinion, takes the cake. I’m sad to say it came from a dear friend living several states away.

Her college-age daughter, whom I have never met, is doing a semester abroad in a major European city. My friend posted on social media, asking all her friends (over 200 of them) to help celebrate the daughter’s birthday by sending her money electronically, along with a birthday greeting. This was to make the birthday “special” and keep her from feeling “homesick.” She included her daughter’s handle on this public forum.

Several people, including me, simply posted a birthday greeting comment on my friend’s page, while others commented that they had sent money to the daughter.

Let me stress that this is not a financially strapped family or deprived student. Quite the contrary; they live in an affluent community in a large metropolis. Seems like a tacky money grab for a privileged daughter.

I’m so sad to say that this bold request has clouded how I feel towards my friend. I could understand asking people to send a birthday greeting on the daughter’s account, but requesting money seemed a bit over the top to me. Am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Nothing cures homesickness like a newly fattened bank account.

Miss Manners agrees that it is unseemly for solvent people to beg. You were more than generous sending your well wishes — and are understandably less enthusiastic about the friendship now.

If this girl is being taught that money will cheer her up on a birthday, a future graduation or wedding may make her downright lachrymose, in order to continue cashing in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I begin returning to the office more frequently, I’m increasingly being told “You look great” (or variations thereof) by co-workers and managers I’m seeing for the first time in months or even years.

Being told this doesn’t make me uncomfortable, nor does it stroke my ego. But where I get hung up is how to reply!

I don’t normally comment on others’ appearances, especially in the workplace. The thought of saying “You, too” makes me feel uneasy — especially when the person is not the same gender as I am — as it seems similar to telling them that I’m thinking about their appearance.

My automatic response ends up just being “Thanks.” (Of course, I don’t end it there; I’ll usually then ask about their life or work and try to catch up.)

For what it’s worth, when I’m in the other person’s shoes, I usually lead with something like, “How have you been?” or “What’s new?” as opposed to “You look good.” I don’t think people ever said this to me before the pandemic, so I don’t recall having this issue during Before Times.

So, are there good alternatives to “You too” or “Thanks” in this situation?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you. I feel good.” And then Miss Manners suggests you turn the subject to the more suitable greeting, “And how are you?”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.