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Dear For Love & Money,
My family thinks I'm rich because I make much more than they do. I grew up in a lower-middle-class family. My mom stayed home, and my dad worked in construction.
So when I married a successful man and began doing well in my career, it seemed my family all saw dollar signs. And I get it. I make over twice what my dad made when I was growing up, but it's not 1994 anymore, and $150,000 doesn't mean half of what it meant then.
My dilemma is that because they think I'm "rich", my siblings and sometimes even my parents expect me to pay for everything. They expect me to pick up every tab and finance every party. But while my husband and I aren't struggling, we have way more credit card debt than I am comfortable with, and I don't feel rich at all. I don't think it's fair for me to pay for my parents' anniversary party all by myself.
I have three siblings! Together, it should be more than affordable for all of us, but it's way too much for just one person. How do I tell my family that I can't afford to pay for everything and I need them to step up?
Lightweight Money Bags
Dear Lightweight,
Unless you're a jet-setting millionaire, wealth is relative. Relative to where we live, our nonnegotiable bills, our families, and too many other factors to list. This isn't to say someone in the high six figures isn't objectively well off, but a person's life in San Fransisco is going to cost much more than my life here in Kansas City.
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And wealth isn't just relative to people who have a lot of it. Wealth is also relative to those who have very little. I still have fond feelings of condescension when I think of my husband and I circa 2015, convinced we only needed to make $65,000 a year to live our best lives. When you're making $41,000, increasing your income by $24,000 a year seems like it will solve all your problems. But when you make more, you spend more, and to your point: inflation has changed the game entirely.
Except when I say "wealth is relative," I really mean that our perceptions of wealth are relative. You either have a lot of money in your bank account, or you don't. You either have a ton of high-value assets, or you don't. You either have a hefty credit card balance, or you don't. And unfortunately, you do have a high credit card balance. It doesn't matter if your entire family has decided you're Scrooge McDuck — you aren't, which means you simply can't afford to pay for everything.
Your siblings don't get to make financial decisions that you alone have to live with, and neither do your parents. It not only isn't fair, it would be irresponsible on your part. It's time for everyone in the family to mind their own budgets, not yours.
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That said, generosity and family are some of my highest values. I would never advise someone who knows they have more than their family to be stingy about it. Share your blessing when you can, but only you know when that is. They don't get to decide you can afford to take the family out for a five-star dinner because they don't know how close you are to maxing out your credit card. But you know your family well enough to find ways to do that on your terms in a way they will still appreciate.
You asked me how to tell your family that you can't pay for everything and that you need them to step up. I have two suggestions for you, depending on your style.
My first suggestion is to be direct and honest. Tell them the truth about your financial situation. Credit card debt can sometimes feel shameful. Probably because we see it as "spending money we don't have," and that can feel irresponsible and embarrassing. Still, as I am sure you know, credit card debt is often more complicated than being a shopaholic.
Many people have credit card debt — and that likely includes members of your family. Tell them how financially stretched and scared you are, and let them know that for the foreseeable future, you need to save every penny you make. Being vulnerable and open in this way will make for a tough conversation, but it will get them off your back, and if it doesn't, at least you've set up context for those moments when they expect you to pay for something and you say "no."
A less direct but effective strategy is to insist that, as long as you are financing things, you will also make the decisions. If they want to go out to dinner, and you know they'll want you to pick up the tab — tell them all you can afford is fast food. If they want you to pay for your parents' anniversary bash, tell them you have a connection at the local park who can help you reserve a shelter, and that's the only venue you'll consider as long as you're bankrolling the event.
Do this long enough, and they will quickly label you "cheap" and "stingy," but they also won't want you or your money anywhere near their plans in the future.
Whichever strategy you choose, remember that you are married now. This means that you have a new family — you and your partner. And while you will always be loyal and loving to your parents and siblings, your primary loyalty is to your new family. This loyalty will mean protecting your new family's financial security by sometimes telling your other loved ones "no."
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
