The possibilities really are endless
Any time you have a new teammate there’s the obligatory “getting to know you” phase. It’s the sporting equivalent of a first date, and Sauce Gardner might have bitten off more than he bargained for when he decided to have a night on the town with Aaron Rodgers.
Sauce Gardner said he and Aaron Rodgers went to dinner at Carbone last night. Just the 2 of them. Rodgers picked up the tab. "I thought he was going to make me." It was just the 2 of them for about 7 hours. #Jets
— Ryan Dunleavy (@rydunleavy) May 3, 2023
Hold up... SEVEN HOURS! Like, the number 7... followed by hours? For dinner? I don’t spend seven hours having Thanksgiving with my family. I don’t spend seven hours with my loved ones on Christmas, and there’s present opening involved. Hell, seven hours is longer than it took for diners to eat the multi-course meal in The Menu, and they were all murdered by the end.
Being trapped in an enclosed space with Aaron Rodgers is a hell only Pat McAfee could endure. The only person who enjoys spending seven hours with Aaron Rodgers is Aaron Rodgers, and even then it can only be achieved in the dark.
So, we got our thinking caps on, went to the world of imagination, and wondered “What the hell were some of the quotes from the Aaron Rodgers/Sauce Gardner seven hour meal?
“So Sauce, do you think a hot dog is a sandwich? Because I have thoughts.” — MAS
“Sauce, can I call you Sauce? Anyway, I think the aliens are coming for us and life on Earth is in danger.”—JPA
“I brought all the audio from my favorite Joe Rogan episodes, if you wanna listen.”—JPA
“The darkness retreat made me see things, man. Things I never want to see again.”—JPA
“...and that’s why Lord of the Flies will be the first book we use in our book club.”—JPA
“... and that is how the story should have ended. With Dany on the Iron Throne.” — MAS
“Can I call you Ketchup, ketchup is a sauce, right? Well let me catch you up on a few plot holes in all these movies that these sheeple just love: Indiana Jones does not impact the outcome of Raiders of the Lost Ark in any way. Lord of the Rings would have been over in a half hour if Gandalf, Legolas and Aragorn just rode with Frodo and Sam on the backs of the eagles and dropped the ring into Mount Doom. Should I keep going? -JKM
“I’ve been following your career for a long time Sauce. I saw your necklace. You know, the one that’s sauce? You’d be surprised to know how many inflammatories are in hot sauce. You should replace it with this detoxifying jade elephant I had made for you. The jade symbolizes purity, and the elephant is actually an ancient alien that survived on our planet long before the Romans built the pyramids.” — JD
“...no, I think pineapple definitely belongs on pizza.” — BB
“Do you know that the Blue Pill in The Matrix was actually the Pfizer vaccine?” — JD
“...The aristocrats!” — MAS
“Ever notice how which and witch sound the same? It’s because choice is magic and we are the warlocks.” — JD
“Its called “television programming” because they are programming you when you watch it. Think about it!”
Aaron: “I know you’re a big star, but I can introduce you to mega stars. I’d love you to come and hang out with Jordan and I?”
Sauce: “For real? You hang out with MJ?”
Aaron: “No, Jordan Peterson. Trust me, he’ll expand your mind.” — JD
“...see, that’s why I believe that The Bloodline is the greatest story ever told in the WWE.”—JPA
**opens small oak box** “Want some shrooms?” — JD
“You know they say all men are created equal, Sauce, but you look at me and Zach Wilson and you see that’s just not true. See normally when you play a game with a competent QB, you have a 50-50 chance of winning. But I’m a multi-time MVP and Super Bowl champion, and I’m not normal. So Zach has a 25% chance AT BEST, of beating me. Then you add Chris Streveler to the mix, Zach’s chances of winning drastic go down. See in the 3 man QB competition Zach has a 33 1⁄3 percent chance of winning, but I got a 66 2⁄3 percent chance of winning, because Chris Streveler KNOWS he can’t beat me, and he’s not even gonna try. So, Sauce, Zach Wilson has a 33 1⁄3 % chance, but minus my 25% chance, and he’s got an 8 1⁄3 % chance of winning the Jets QB job. But then you take my 75% chance of winning, if we was to go one on one, then add 66 2⁄3 percents, I got a 141 2⁄3 percent chance of winning the Jets QB job. See Sauce, the numbers don’t lie, and the numbers spell disaster for Zach in camp.” —JPA
“A lot of people don’t know this, but I go on the Pat McAfee show because like the computer security program, McAfee is virus protection. He’s natural immunity.” -JKM
*does this* — BB
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[rex ryan enters restaurant] — BB
“I don’t fart anymore. It’s true. Just doesn’t happen. I turned my entire diet macrobiotic so everything just passes right through like a pressurized hose. If I ever need to pass gas I’ve learned “tantric farting,” an inward fart. I have farts that have lasted for HOURS and you don’t even smell them. Seriously, it’s just a pachouli breeze exiting a canyon. I’ll teach you.” — JD
“Sauce, you’ll love this story. So I’m having a 1930s shindig in Malibu and EVERYONE is there. Karl Rove, Henry Kissinger, three of the Pussycat Dolls, a dude I met at Venice Beach who looks EXACTLY like Beavis. Anyway, we’re sitting there and Henry is completing a reading of Atlas Shrugged for us and then Kissinger starts crying. For real, no shit, just crying out of nowhere. Turns out he’s mourning! So we wrap him up in a bear skin and give him a glass of Absinthe and he starts telling a story about the time he and Ayn Rand hunted, killed and ate a homeless person in New York in 1967. For real, just killed an ate another person. I’m big on experiences, but a person Sauce? That seems too far. Then, I’m sitting in the dark, and think to myself: Isn’t it just the food chain though? The only thing different between us and the noble lion or sleek shark is not having a mane or fins. Why should I deprive myself of experiencing something in this life just because cannibalism is considered “taboo”? Every thought about eating another person?” — JD
“When Mike McCarthy started running slant/flat over and over again, I realized that I was being fed things that were slanted and the world was actually flat.” - JKM
“If your family ever asks for a favor, IGNORE THE CALL” —JPA
“And THAT was the moment I realized it wasn’t Shailene Woodley in Elf, and boy was I beet red.” — JD
“Sorry waiter, I have to consult my book of herbs my trainer wants me to eat before I make my order” pulls out The Complete Book of Black Magic.—JPA
“Do you want to know what Miles Teller smells like?” — BB
“... and that, my new friend, is why Karl Marx was the real Nazi.” — JD
“When I was a kid, I saw a commercial that said, “It's not easy being cheesy.” I felt that in my soul... back when I thought a soul was real and not a commercialized understanding of your life’s essence brought out by crystals.” -JKM
“Did you know that Mario’s last name is Mario? So he’s Mario Mario and his brother is Luigi Mario? Also, Tails’ real name, you know in Sonic is Miles Prower... like miles-per-hour. Get it? Because he’s super fast! Also if you play the soundtrack of Duke Nukem backwards it’s just Duke Nukem reading the communist manifesto.” — JD
“Everyone asks, where’s Waldo, but never, how’s Waldo.”—JPA
“I know where Carmen Sandiego and Waldo are at all times and I was the first human to know the Muffin Man.” -JKM
“Peach, you’re so cool, and with my star we’re gonna rule. Peach, understand, I’m gonna LOVE YOU TO THE VERY ENDDDDDDDD.”—JPA
“Ted talks but does he ever listen?” -JKM
“Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise?” — BB
Sauce: “Check please?” — MAS
