The author shares how she and her husband say thank-you to each other for everyday tasks and hug each other regularly to deal with the stress of kids.
Courtesy of Victoria Hughes Photography
Having kids is hard. Having kids and keeping a good relationship with your partner can sometimes feel impossible.
My husband and I are the parents of four kids, ages 5, 3, 2, and 2. We got an extra surprise in 2020 when we had pandemic twins. To say we have our hands full is an understatement.
While visits and help from family are welcome, we've never lived close to them, so it's a treat when we do have reinforcements.
If you live away from family and find your relationship overwhelming in the midst of raising kids, here are five tactical tips that have helped my partner and I stay a team along the way.
My husband works long hours in healthcare, and I'm a grad student who also runs a small business. Between our jobs and parenting four kids, our lives turn into chaos if we don't plan our weeks.
If you're a busy parent (and let's be honest here — all parents are busy), your life will veer out of control if you don't make plans.
Every weekend, we jot down a to-do list for the coming week and try to tackle the most important items at the beginning of the week. If the rest of the list doesn't get done, it's shifted to the following week.
We also write down the obvious things, like appointments, deadlines, and any meetings or events. And we plan personal time for ourselves.
We also schedule family time every week, and every weekend we have a standing movie or game-night date.
I would love to always have a clean and tidy home, a consistent night and morning routine, and feed my kids organic, home-cooked meals every night. The reality is different — the other night we had a chance to eat our dinner while sitting because the twin toddlers had gotten ahold of dry-erase markers and were drawing on the walls.
My husband and I debated stopping them and grabbing the markers, but we really wanted those sandwiches. The drawings were just circles. The boys are learning about shapes and were so proud to draw circle after circle.
The boys weren't in danger, the rest of us got to eat our food in relative peace, and I don't like the white walls anyway. We'll paint them one day, but maybe I'll toss a frame over one of those circles for memory's sake.
Being a parent can feel like a thankless job. Both my husband and I clean, fold the laundry, take out the trash, and do all the other chores to keep the house running. Neither of us expects acknowledgment for these things — they're just part of life.
But it feels good when hard work gets noticed. The majority of the time, my husband is the one who preps the coffee for the morning. Even though it's a small task, that caffeine kick is vital to starting our days. I make sure to thank him for it, and he does the same for tasks I do around the house.
Some days and weeks are just hard. Despite the best intentions or planning, sometimes the laundry is a mountain, kids are screaming and fighting for seemingly no reason, no one sleeps well, and I can't remember the last time I washed my hair.
Those are the days when it feels easier to complain about how hard being a parent is, especially one without the helping hands of family nearby. And like most people, when I'm in a funk, it's easy to find fault with my partner and focus on the negative.
When I go to bed cranky at night, it's usually because I feel like I took on more of the weight of the household. But if I close my eyes and think of three things about my husband that I'm grateful for, it stops the negativity train wreck.
Hugging, especially longer hugs, releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin in your brain, and that can have a snowball effect, Dr. Paula Barry told Penn Medicine. Once you increase your oxytocin levels, you'll want more.
There are health benefits to oxytocin, too. People who have more physical affection in their lives seem to get better sleep, have lower blood pressure, and healthier immune systems, Barry told Penn Medicine.
My husband is a great hugger, and I can honestly say I always feel better after we hug it out.
The central theme here is teamwork: My husband and I view each other as a team. We have a plan for how we'll spend our time, and we prioritize what's important to us and our family.
We thank each other and build each other up. And on the hard days, we intentionally focus on what we're thankful for about the other before we close our eyes.
Living away from family can be challenging, but by sticking to these tips, we can rely on each other and thrive.
