I cheated on my ex – now she blames me for making her go off the rails
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex blames me for making her go off the rails.
She says it’s my fault she’s had sex with several different men because I hurt her so much when I cheated on her.
I’m 40 and she’s 37. We were together for seven years and have a five-year-old son.
We broke up a year ago because I had a five-month affair with a woman, 30, at work.
It was the biggest mistake of my life.
I deeply regret hurting my ex, who is the love of my life.
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She instantly threw me out, and stopped contact, except to make arrangements for our son.
Since then, she’s thawed and we’ve spent some time as a family. Once or twice, we got drunk and fell back into bed. It was like old times.
But the next morning, she went cold on me again, saying that she can’t trust me, and that we will never get back together.
Now she’s started seeing another guy.
I’m gutted and we had a huge argument about it.
She confessed that, while we weren’t speaking, she’d had several one-night stands with men.
She says I have no right to criticise her after what I did. She just needed to get me out of her system.
Although I am jealous and hurt, I understand and forgive her. I just want her back.
I know deep down she still loves me. Should I keep trying to change her mind?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: On some level your ex does still love you, but she can’t forgive. That’s why she’s punishing you by telling you about her sexual encounters.
A clean break would be best. But that’s not possible when you have a son.
Your relationship isn’t healthy, and it’s causing you both so much pain.
Each time you fall back into bed, it stops you moving forward.
It’s also not good for your boy.
You both need to have a frank conversation. Ask her if there’s any chance she will change her mind.
Tell her honestly how you feel.
If she says no, then work out some boundaries for your relationship – acting as friends and co-parents – and agree to stick to them.
If she does want to try again, then I recommend you try couples’ counselling to help you work through your feelings.
Contact tavistockrelationships.org and see my Counselling support pack.