After being sober for a decade, the author says that with the support of his sponsor and friends, he began smoking weed to stay away from other drugs.
Courtesy of Jeff Leavell
I was 19 the first time I ever did heroin. I have struggled with opiates and alcohol since I was 17, even getting kicked out of two high schools. For most of my adult life, I have been in a 12-step program.
This year would have been my 12th year sober.
I say "would have been" sober because even though I consider myself sober, some do not: I smoke weed every day. And I have for almost two years.
Some people call this Cali sober.
My experiment with marijuana began during the pandemic and lockdown. My job at a local gay bar ended because of lockdown. The world was going crazy, and my anxiety was through the roof.
My toolbox to mitigate anxiety is solid: I meditate. I go to therapy. I do yoga every day. I go for a daily two-mile walk. And these things all work.
But in those early pandemic days, I realized I needed something more — an escape from my anxious head. But as a sober drug addict in recovery, escapism was what I had been told was the problem. And even though I believe weed is benign, a lot of people I talked to still referred to it as a "gateway" drug that would ultimately lead me back to heroin and booze.
To them, it meant all the years I had spent in 12-step recovery was lost the second I took that first "hit." But that's not how it felt to me. In those 12 years I had done a lot of work on myself, work that has paid off.
More importantly, I wasn't making this decision on my own. I talked to my AA sponsor, friends, and therapist.
That first time I was nervous. I sat on my porch, the THC mango-flavored gummy slowly working its way through my system.
I listened to music. I danced in my front yard. The LA night sky was more beautiful than I remembered a night sky ever being. I had the strangest feeling the trees were dancing with me. In a time when the world seemed to be exploding in chaos, I felt at peace, creative, and curious.
I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to do heroin.
It's been almost two years since I began this experiment, and I feel calmer, less frightened by the world, less dragged down. And I'm happy. I get into fewer fights with my boyfriend. I am less angry in general, less afraid.
In the middle of my Cali sober experiment, I started noticing that it became easier to see the humanity in other people, to be able to hear them and to accept them, even when I didn't agree with them, and to be OK with that — OK with them, with myself, with discord.
I knew, at 51 years old, something in my life wasn't working anymore. I needed to make changes.
I'm happier than I've ever been. I am more productive in my daily life. But still, when the world opened back up, I was worried: Would I just want to sit in my house and get high, dancing in my front yard?
Some days, the answer is a resounding yes.
But I'm also really curious about life and excited for the future. Smoking pot did not make me want to drink or do heroin. Instead of bringing me closer to my drugs of choice, smoking pot has taken me further from them.
I'm not advocating for everyone to smoke pot or be Cali sober but I wish people would be open to seeing the world differently than we have been trained to.
I feel like I'm on an adventure. And while I don't know how it will end, I am no longer afraid. And that's kind of awesome for someone who has been so afraid for so long.
Jeff Leavell is the author of "Accidental Warlocks," a memoir, and his work has been published in Vice, Them, Insider, and The Washington Post. He lives in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Instagram at leavelljeff or at his twitter @jeffleavell.
