AFTER the question is popped, the engagement ring exchanged, and the champagne poured, a couple must embark on the intimidating journey that is planning for a wedding.
Thoughts about the venue, the guest list, the dress, the music, and the food begin to flood the brain – with so many options, it’s hard to know what the right move is.
Etiquette expert and author Jacqueline Whitmore, who founded the business etiquette consulting firm The Protocol School of Palm Beach, spoke to The Sun about the wedding behaviors that have her stamp of approval, and those that are considered tacky – like the bride walking around with a beer bottle or a guest not gifting the couple.
As for the wedding registry, Whitmore understands that couples are getting married later in life and may not need another set of cutlery or a new blender.
She ok’d the idea of doing a newlywed fund or honeymoon fund instead, and added that some couples offer the option of donating to a charity of their choice as well.
When it comes to gifting off the registry, Whitmore says it’s important that all invited guests do so, even if they can’t actually make it to the wedding.
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“For the most part, I would send a gift to someone who invites me to their wedding even if I can’t go,” she explained.
If you don’t have a standing relationship with the bride and groom and can’t afford a small gift, opt for a thank you or best wishes card instead to show them you appreciate the invite.
As for how much to spend, that’s up to you and your budget.
One of the exciting parts of planning is choosing who will be part of your wedding party.
While it’s standard to make bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, Whitmore says it’s important that the bride be mindful of the price tag on the ones she chooses—especially because most women won’t get much use out of that dress again.
Although many brides choose one style for all bridesmaids, our etiquette expert thinks it’s more considerate to give them options.
“They’re going to have different body types, and some are bigger than others so they may not look good in the exact same dress.
“So it’s okay to maybe have the same theme, the same colors, but everyone gets to choose based on their bodies. You show them the options and ask which would make them feel good.”
Whitmore knows it can get pricey to pay for an entire group of women’s hair and makeup, so she believes a bride only has to treat her bridesmaids to that perk if she is insistent that they look a certain way.
“If you’re going to ask your bridesmaids to have their makeup professionally done, then you have to budget for that because they might not have the money to do so after buying a dress, and travel, and the registry gift.”
If you’re more relaxed about their look, you can skip the professional beauty and instead gift them something like a pair of earrings or a pajama.
Whitmore noted that if you are going to treat your bridesmaids to some sort of gift, the groom should do the same to his groomsmen.
A pair of cuff links or matching ties will do the job.
As for what you serve at your wedding, Whitmore believes a buffet or a sit-down dinner both work well depending on the vibe you want to set.
The most important thing is to make sure you have options for all of your guests: don’t just have a beef plate and no vegetarian options, or don’t only serve spicy food.
“And if the food’s awful, they’re going to remember that.”
When it comes to alcohol, an open bar is the best option—even if you put a cap on it or limit the variety of liquor you serve.
“If you’re going to make people shell out their money for beer and wine, they’re going to probably be a little resentful.
“Guests remember all the things that stimulated their senses, which is mostly food, drink, and music.”
Thinking about music, Whitmore believes a DJ is a better option than a band when it comes to the reception.
“People want to have fun. They want to let their hair down. They want to dance.
“That’s why a lot of people don’t go with bands because bands are kind of limiting, whereas a DJ can play a variety of music for all ages, all genres.”
We’ve all heard horror stories about a guest showing up in a white gown or an inappropriately revealing dress.
Whitmore has some thoughts on that:
“My only rule is that you never want to outshine the bride or the groom.
“And the same goes for the mother of the bride and groom—don’t outshine the couple.”
While some guests think they are being thoughtful by asking the bride for approval on a questionable outfit beforehand, Whitmore thinks you’re just putting the bride in a bad spot:
“What’s she going to say? ‘Oh, I wish you wouldn’t wear that?’
“When in doubt, leave it out. The fact that you even have to ask tells me that there’s some speculation on your part, so I would just save that dress for another occasion.
“A bride is under an enormous amount of stress, so for somebody to come up with one more thing to bother her about like this—she doesn’t have time for those kinds of details.”
She said guests should also keep the venue in mind when considering what to wear.
If it’s a beach wedding, you can likely get away with something more casual or revealing.
If it’s in a formal ballroom, however, that might not fly.
As for other behaviors to avoid, Whitmore shared a few:
“Don’t post pictures of the wedding before the bride and groom have had an opportunity to do so because that might really get the bride upset. That’s why that’s why photographers are hired.”
Additionally, if you’re a guest, don’t trap the couple in a lengthy conversation that will take up much of their time that night.
“Don’t monopolize a bride and groom’s time. They’re there to socialize with as many people as possible. And if you’re monopolizing their time, they’re definitely not going to get around the room.
“I call it working the room, and I think it’s really important for the couple to acknowledge as many guests as they possibly can because their job is to thank all the people who came to support them.”
As for tossing back beers on your big day, our etiquette expert says it’s ok to do so as long as that beer is in a glass.
A beer bottle or beer can in hand isn’t the best look.
When it comes to how much drinking you do at the wedding, Whitmore recommends both the couple and the guests indulge in moderation.
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“I have seen brides and grooms get completely blitzed. And it’s unfortunate because they don’t remember that day that hopefully they’re only going to do once.
“And for guests, if you drink too much and you go past a certain point, then you’re just ruining it for yourself and sometimes you’re ruining it for others. It can get really ugly.”
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