If you’re tired of being endlessly bombarded with depressing political news, here’s an encouraging story involving a former lawmaker that’ll give you some much-needed respite from all the crass partisan bickering and bureaucratic chaos: Chris Christie is rocking out to “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” while emailing photos of his new velcro sneakers to all his Republican friends.
So cool! The former governor of New Jersey is feeling good as hell right now, and his positivity is undeniably infectious!
While shopping at Famous Footwear earlier today, Christie unexpectedly found himself in an incredible mood after trying on a pair of bulky, white, velcro-strapped Reebok Work N’ Cushion 4.0s and absolutely loving how he looked in them. Brimming with excitement, he immediately bought the velcro walking shoes and tipped the cashier $20 before skipping out of the store in his new kicks. On the drive home, Christie could not stop looking down at his shoes, beaming brighter and brighter as he made a mental list of fellow Republicans he wanted to show them off to, when suddenly a song came on the radio that perfectly complemented his upbeat mood: the Darkness’ 2004 hit “I Believe In A Thing Called Love.”
Immediately upon hearing the opening guitar riff, Christie turned up the volume and began banging his head and flapping his arms as he sped down the Garden State Parkway, toes wiggling with excitement as he stomped the gas pedal to the beat.
“Touching me…touching…you…me…God is touching me!” sang Christie at the top of his lungs while drifting inattentively between lanes, oblivious to the song’s actual lyrics but too blissed-out over his new Reeboks to care. “I wanna kiss you for a minute…dun dun dun…today! You got me innocent but every kiss is way okay!”
Once home, Christie dashed right past his family and bolted upstairs to his home office, where he blared “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” over and over again on his computer speakers while emailing photos of his new velcro sneakers to all his best Republican buddies, spinning giddily in his computer chair whenever the song got to a really awesome part. As he strapped and unstrapped his velcro shoes to the rhythm, replies from his Republican buddies started showing up in his inbox.
“Awesome,” read Marco Rubio’s one-word reply.
“Just showed my whole family your new velcro shoes—very cool,” responded Ben Carson. “Please send more photos.”
“So happy for you, Chris, I can’t think of any person who deserves a comfortable pair of velcro sneakers as much as you, and I know my dad would’ve felt the same,” wrote Jeb Bush.
However, his sunny mood soon darkened, as he received the results from a poll he’d commissioned to gauge public opinion about him potentially running for president in 2024, the data from which suggested a strong aversion to his political aspirations, with nearly 10 times as many respondents wanting to see him in prison than in the White House. No longer rocking out, and on the verge of tears, Christie began dejectedly removing his new shoes. But just as he did, his mood suddenly rebounded, as he saw he’d received the most thrilling response to his email yet.
“Absolutely gorgeous Velcro Sneakers, Chris, I bet you look Fantastic in them,” read a message from former president Donald Trump. “Not as Nice as my velcro sneakers—many people say that I have the most fabulous velcro sneakers ever made, and I do, it’s true—but certainly a Winning Pair of Shoes. The American people are very proud of You and Your Velcro Shoes!”
Elated, Christie then cranked the Darkness song to full volume and resumed bouncing happily in his computer chair.
Awesome! A good attitude can be contagious, and Chris Christie just proved it. We are smiling from ear-to-ear seeing someone so happy in their own skin. No matter what your politics are, this is a story you can feel good smiling about. Way to go, Chris! We’re all very happy for you and your new shoes.
