DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner is the definition of sneaky – and after more than ten years of it, I’m ready to throw in the towel.
Although we’ve lived together for 12 years, he’s always kept his own property empty.
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He told me he didn’t like the thought of renting it out to strangers, but now I’m convinced he uses it as a bachelor pad to seduce other women.
I’m 59 and my partner’s 52. It’s exhausting being with someone you can’t trust.
I’ve lost countless hours of sleep and most of my confidence.
He is completely uninterested in being a part of my life. If he goes out for a drink, he won’t even tell me the names of his friends, they’re simply “lads from work”.
His phone is always on silent but he blames it on the battery and he never lets it out of his sight.
I did discover an affair three years ago, when he got careless and left his phone unlocked. I even called the woman and she was so shocked.
She told me she thought he was single as there was no sign of me in his home.
I stupidly forgave him and he said he’d make more effort, but three years on and we’re in the same place again.
Out of the blue, he’ll announce he’s got a meeting, or some other issue has come up and he has to go out.
He doesn’t seem to care. He told me he was going to meet up with a client for dinner last Saturday but as it was some distance away, he’d be staying overnight in a hotel.
If I object and ask who he’s going to be with, he tells me to stop interrogating him.
The physical side of our relationship is non-existent and my anxiety is getting worse again.
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My friends and family have always seen my partner as a lodger and I’m thinking that maybe they are right.
Is it time for me to end this?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m afraid to say you are right to be concerned about your partner’s secretive behaviour.
Keeping you hidden from work colleagues, friends and family suggests that, on all sorts of levels, he is not being honest with you.
Find the most appropriate time to talk to him. Tell him about your doubts. If his reply doesn’t hang together, trust your instincts.
Make a firm plan. You can’t live on this knife-edge waiting for him to cheat, so tell him it’s over.
Talking to a counsellor would help you decide how to move towards your next chapter and you can get the right kind of support at relate.org.uk.
My support pack on Counselling explains more.
