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As a child, Jill Gutowitz was obsessed with Lindsay Lohan.
She grew up watching the child star's classics, like "The Parent Trap," and as a young adult, "Freaky Friday," and "Mean Girls."
"I wanted to be like her, dress like her, and act like her. She was the epitome of cool" and everyone loved her, Gutowitz wrote in her new book of essays "Girls Can Kiss Now."
Now 30, Gutowitz said she now realizes she wasn't just a fan of Lindsay Lohan. She wanted to kiss her.
In the book, Gutowitz shares her musings on the intersection of pop culture and sexuality, weaving in her personal coming-of-age tales. She references Britney Spears, Cara Delevigne, Julianne Moore, and other celebrities whose mainstream presence influenced her sexuality.
Today, Gutowitz identifies as a lesbian. She told Insider, looking back, her childhood obsession with Lindsay Lohan, plus watching "Orange Is the New Black" in her early twenties, helped her come to terms with her attraction to women.
When Gutowitz realized her childhood friends didn't share her fixation over Lohan, she started to downplay it, she told Insider.
"Because they were noticing that I was so obsessed, I kind of taught myself to tone it down. I came to understand pretty quickly that my obsession with Lindsay Lohan would out me, even if I didn't know for sure that I was a lesbian," Gutowitz told Insider.
Gutowitz said she still didn't realize her gayness in 2009, when Lohan and her then girlfriend DJ Samantha Ronson, became tabloid regulars. All Gutowitz could think about back then, she wrote in the book, was "Girls can kiss...each other?!?!?! For their OWN PLEASURE?!?!?"
Since Lohan was known as a Hollywood cool-girl before she started dating Ronson, it automatically made their queer relationship more intriguing, Gutowitz said. She also said it was the first time she saw mainstream representation of a same-sex relationship involving a feminine-presenting celebrity, though Lohan has since denied she is bisexual.
When Gutowitz was 23 she was aware of her gayness, but actively tried to suppress it, she said. That same year, Netflix debuted "Orange Is the New Black," a television show based on a memoir.
The pilot episode, where characters Alex and Piper have shower sex, became another formative moment for her sexuality, Gutowitz said.
"That was the first time that I saw a relationship between two women that was based in love and a real connection and also was super hot," Gutowitz told Insider.
She said seeing Alex and Piper's relationship throughout the show helped her confront her fears about being gay.
The Netflix show "kind of held my hand in a way and was like, 'This is going to be hard to deal with, but there are rewards at the end of it,'" Gutowitz said. "Rewards of actually getting to feel what love feels like. Oh, and horniness too."
