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Dear For Love and Money,
My kids are growing up with way, way more financial security and privilege than I had as a kid. That makes me hugely happy, but I'm struggling to help them understand their privilege and appreciate the value of a dollar. They're not spoiled brats, but there's a level of expectation, because things that were unfathomable to me as a child — like yearly vacations and expensive extracurriculars — are truly just the norm for my kids, who are in early elementary.
I like that my kids get to do things I couldn't. But, what's your advice for getting them to understand how lucky they are? Does that just come with age? Or is this more about me coming to terms with my own hang-ups about a changed financial status?
Sincerely,
Raising Rich Kids
Dear Raising Rich Kids,
It's the natural instinct of every parent to want more for our kids than we had ourselves, but it's also a natural human instinct, when we see anyone living a life we perceive as easier than our own, to think, must be nice. Reconciling these two natural responses takes practice. You asked me if the answer is teaching your kids to understand their luck or if it's getting over your own hang-ups.
I think the answer is a bit of both.
No one likes an entitled adult. Honestly, no one really likes an entitled kid, but we give them a pass because they're still learning. But that also means as parents, we're in charge of making sure they learn, which you clearly understand and are taking responsibility for.
You mention helping your children understand their privilege and I think that's a really important part of this conversation. The propensity for developing an attitude of entitlement is true for anyone with privilege, and since privilege is relative, most kids have at least some. But teaching our kids to recognize their privilege is different than teaching them to feel guilty about their privilege. The difference between the two is gratitude.
Instilling gratitude in your kids doesn't mean you have to deny them the things you want for them; it simply means making gratitude a central part of their lives.
The best way to do that is by modeling it yourself. You mention that the things they take for granted, you wouldn't have dreamed of when you were their age — tell them this! Not as a guilt trip, but as your story, and remain vocally in awe of your good fortune even now. Your kids will pick up on this thanks-centered worldview and adopt it themselves.
Another way to instill gratitude is to create regular opportunities for giving thanks. Have them write thank you notes, do "one thing you're grateful for" round robins every holiday, family meeting, and long car ride. The more often you do it, the harder they'll have to think about the good in their lives.
Creating opportunities for your children to give is another way to guide them away from entitlement issues. Generosity is a habit; get them hooked on it by embedding it into their lives. You can do this by giving often and taking them with you. Find a local charity that allows children to volunteer and get the whole family involved. This will have the added benefit of reminding them they are lucky to have enough to give away.
But it isn't all about improving your children's relationship with their privilege. As you mentioned at the end of your letter, some of it will mean addressing your hang-ups around improved financial status. I know you are happy that you've been able to give your kids the financial security you never had, but that isn't quite the same thing as being happy they're living the good life. I wonder if on some level you are viewing your children's cushy circumstances through the envious eyes of your inner child: Must be nice.
I suspect this because of your use of the word "unfathomable" when comparing your children to yourself as a child. I find "unfathomable" an interesting word choice because it speaks to perspective. You've compared your childhood perspective to your children's perspective, and the fact that you even wrote this letter tells me whose perspective you think is morally superior.
But that isn't fair, is it? Financial status is not an indicator of morality. Poor people aren't necessarily more aware of their blessings any more than all rich people are spoiled. Your kids have done nothing wrong by being born lucky.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this letter, any comparison-driven resentment you may feel is a natural human instinct, and you're not a bad person for having these feelings. You're simply human.
That said, I know you don't want to feel that way towards your kids even subconsciously, which is why I think the first thing you need to do is recognize where you are viewing things from the perspective of your inner child so that you can step away from it and step into the perspective of your children. From their perspective you'll recognize they didn't choose any of this — you gave it to them. You aptly described it as their norm, which means it's the only world they know, and that is not a problem that needs to be solved.
Speaking of which, make sure you take a moment now and then to give yourself a round of applause because the luckiest thing about your children's lives is that they have you — a parent who wanted to give them everything — so you did.
Rooting for all of you,
For Love & Money
