The deep terror of Yoshi and Donkey Kong’s pantslessness in ‘Mario Golf’

This is not right.

As an adult who makes good adult decisions, I stayed up most of the night playing Mario Golf: Super Rush. I’m not going to give you some extended review other than “It’s really good.” Instead mired in the rough of hole six in “Ridgerock Lake” something started to bother me. I shook it from my mind, then it became an obsession. Yoshi and Donkey Kong aren’t wearing pants.

I was aware of the inherent pants-less nature of the two protagonists prior to playing the game, but never really internalized the severity of the situation. Here are two grown ups, decided to go without pants to a friendly golfing tournament. Not only that, but they were innately aware that Bowser Jr. was playing in the event. In other words: THEY KNEW THEIR FRIEND’S CHILD WAS GOING TO BE PLAYING GOLF WITH THEM, AND CHOSE NOT TO WEAR PANTS,

Now, with Donkey Kong I kind of understand. He’s impulsive, and doesn’t think about much other than the procurement and hoarding of bananas. In my head cannon he just sleeps in his tie, wakes up and gets back to life. Yoshi, on the other hand, is deeply, deeply problematic. He always wears shoes, showing an innate awareness of the basic concept of clothing — but chooses to go without pants. That’s sociopathy in a golfing setting, especially one with dinosaur lizard children, or whatever the hell Bowser Jr. is.

I’ll be going back to playing Mario Golf: Super Rush now, I just needed to share that I hate the design, concept and execution of these pants free golfers. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.