Hello all I thought as were coming to the end to the year id give this ago again and reach out and give an update on how things are for me after my message a while back.
Firstly I’d like to wish everyone the happiest of Christmas’s and with some luck an even happier, healthier and prosperous new year, it will be a tough start to the year by the looks of things but collectively we can get through the adversity and this time in 12 months I hope that many of us can look back on a good year in whatever relevance that is to each of our own lives.
So I’m now 6 sessions into my therapy, so it is still early days, but already I’m seeing some progress, I’m attempting to adapt my thinking and outlook on life. Before where I’ve been so judgemental and trigger happy with my decisions after the thoughts I have, I’ve tried to take my time and think things through and try to reconcile all outcomes and possibilities, it is hard I won’t lie, the doubt, the paranoia stil lurks and still pushes in my head, but I’ve also noticed that by how I act on my thoughts, both good and bad ones, the decision making is critical, whereas before ive been hostile and volatile and aggressive,that led me to shut down emotionally and close myself off from people, block them or ignore there calls or just cut them out of my life completely.
I’m trying to be balanced and answer things with some logic or maybe not bite or assume the worst.
I have changed my phone number and as simple as that sounds, I’ve had to make choices, those I choose to leave in the past and those I want to carry forward, unfortunately some close family have been left behind, as much as I desire the close knit happy family scenario that’s never been the case for me most of my life and I’ve had to come to terms with this, both my parents give up on me and my sister has grown away from me over the last ten years, so I’ve decided that unless people can be positive influences, bring happiness and care and love and not treat a relationship/friendship with me like a one way street that there the people I’m going to focus on, there the ones I owe back too because they invest in me even through all my troubled times.
I cannot emotionally deal with the picking me up and dropping me when it suits others, the clarity just helps my head deal with things that much more easier.
Therapy is better than I imagined it to be, there’s no blame game, if anything im learning that so much of what’s happened in my life m isn’t just on me, some people can be parents without the ability to actually parent, I may have my issues and faults but they shouldn’t be used against me to define why people won’t stand by me or justify why they walk away, some people cannot themselves deal with issues especially other people’s due to there own mental well-being or they just aren’t the person you thought they were, it will take a long time to turn this around and my therapist hasn’t made me any promises but I do feel more hopeful and like he understands me, I do feel like I have to break certain cycles and give people a chance more maybe, I also have to admit that sometimes I’m the reason for outcomes due to my behaviours and attitudes.
All in all months back I wanted to end my life and that’s no scenario or place I’d want anyone to go, to loathe yourself and your life and those around you so much that the only option you can see is to quit is the lowest point you can ever feel, right now I am abit conflicted, this time of year is the hardest for me, I’d love to get that text or that letter that my parents care, but it won’t happen, I have built bridges though with some people those that listened anyhow, and I’m spending Christmas Day with my niece and her fella and her two boys, the last 4 out fo 5 Christmas days I’ve spent alone so this will be strange for me.
I just wanted to say that anyone outhere who feels alone, who is struggling, please reach out even to those who you think don’t have a problem in the world, believe me they do, some people are just better at hiding them or have better coping mechanisms than you and I. But everyone struggles!
To think that a football forum where we argue over a teamsheet or transfers or whatever in our passion had also made me feel liked, understood and dare I say loved, the advice, the time given by many on here really took me aback, when i first ever messaged on here I thought I’d be laughed at, abused or just ridiculed, mental health issues are real folks, I’ve lived with mine all my life if I’m honest even through being a child and I’ve got this far somehow, maybe I do have some inner strength I don’t no, I never give myself that due credit tbh but I do no that I was wrong in thinking you can do it alone and you can shut everyone out so they can’t hurt you, I was wrong for thinking that my way out was to end things.
As corny as it sounds a quote from a favourite film of mine is very prominent, and I think il share it with you all for now and especially this year that’s about to be upon us.. it’s from the shawshank redemption...
“ hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies “
Thankyou all again for your support this year it’s touched me deeply and I hope I can turn my life around and make you all as proud as I can make myself.
Merry Christmas bluenoses and take care ????
