Mariners Disrespect Game, Lose to Cubs

Took a solid lead in the opening day starting race today | Photo by Masterpress/Getty Images

In which baseballs are thrown, hit, and caught in varying rhythms with middling success

1st Inning

It’s baseball time. Like Jerry Dipoto faced with a trade, I have a choice: the lunch I packed for myself or a donut. I choose the donut. Marco walks Kris Bryant but I think he should have had a called third strike. He then gets Anthony Rizzo, walks Javier Baez, and some other things happen. It is 5-0. The announcers gloat smugly about sending Marco to the showers or to the back fields to do some running (because I suppose it’s 1961). I finish my donut as I hear them badly mispronounce “Nick Duron”, which does not seem like a hard name to pronounce. Duron strikes out Robel Garcia.

In the bottom of the inning, I am pleased to see Jake Fraley enact revenge on these very bad announcers by ripping a double and scoring from second on a shallow single to center. Jake Fraley does everything on a baseball field at (and I want to be clear this is scientific) 125% of his actual energy levels. Also, this is our first look at Patrick Wisdom, who wears his uniform very competently, sample size be damned. He draws a walk, and I fail to think of a good pun on his name involving walks. It’s early. The broadcast then delivers an interesting tidbit on Carlos Gonzalez, who apparently nearly retired last offseason, and has been encouraged by Jerry Dipoto to teach the young guys about using routine to build consistency. Kris Bryant mishandles a grounder, but no one (other than me) muses about making him run on the back fields. Alzolay has a very good curve, and strikes out Seager, Gonzalez, and Eric Filia with it.

2nd Inning

Ian Miller sighting! He almost immediately gets dotted by a 97 mph fastball, but seems to be OK, as he swipes second seemingly without trying. I can’t tell if the throw was bad or he’s just that fast. Or both. The announcers comment that the three-batter minimum will cause some confusion early on, which is a self-proving statement, as they immediately incorrectly explain the rule. Duron gets Javier Baez to strike out on a pretty slider, which is his fifth batter. Then he gets Ian Miller in a rundown, or would have, had he not thrown it about 8 feet over Kyle Seager’s head, who was about 20 feet away from him. In other news, watching Anthony Rizzo run makes me think maybe Vogelbach really is a pretty good runner.

It is 8-2. It’s been nearly an hour. Jose Siri, the only man who still loves me, makes a lovely ranging catch at the wall to end the top of the 2nd.

Someone named Winkler, who is not the Fonz, is pitching for Chicago. The Cubs announcers are busy making “Hey Siri” jokes because they have never had an original thought. Meanwhile, actual baseball news!

Oh, you thought it would be good? You must be new here. The Mariners have gone quietly and 2 innings are over.

3rd Inning

I am starting to think we should be checking the Cubs dugout for trash cans, as Nick Margivicius gives up blistering contact to Josh Phegley. To be clear, it should have been a clean inning, but a ball went in and out of Siri’s glove. He (Nick) seemed fine, though, which is all I ask. These are the uneventful spring training innings we’re all here for!

The Mariners get two baserunners, but then things go off the rails when a Cubs announcer decides to do a cookie monster impersonation. It is the worst thing I’ve ever seen on mlb.tv and I’ve watched Hector Noesi starts. Javier Baez flings a ball into the dugout, and a grinch smile breaks out on my face. I can’t help it. I find myself wondering what thoughts are flashing through Jerry Dipoto’s head from his seat directly behind home plate. The Mariners do get a run, but I’m not sure anyone has told them that these games don’t count?? I should send an email.

4th Inning

We have reached [jazz hands] substitution tiiiiime! It’s funny—in years past this was the time to check out, because Nelson and Jean and Kyle and so on were leaving and, well, 29th ranked farm system, baby. This year I’m getting more interested as we get deeper into spring games. Give me all your Jarred and Julio plate appearances, baby. First, we have to slog through more Cubs runs. It’s 10-4. It’s the fourth inning. Sigh. Margevicius does flash a nice pickoff move to end the inning, though.

The Mariners make a variety of mistakes, including a TOOTBLAN. It is difficult to see how they win more than 10, 15 games tops in 2020.

5th Inning

CJ Edwards seems to me to weigh about 135 pounds. He still throws a ball harder than I ever have even thought about doing. Does the field in Peoria have lights? They really might need lights before this is over. Carl has plenty of heat, but seemingly little else, as he loads the bases. I have forgotten what a competitive baseball game looks like, and it doesn’t look like I’ll find out any time soon. Oh, look, a wild pitch. By the way, Cal Raleigh is catching now and is not having an enjoyable introduction to CJ Edwards. Another hit. It’s 13-4. The rebuild has failed. Strip down T-Mobile and sell it for parts and copper wiring.

Even Jerry Dipoto’s family has abandoned him. The pleasant Arizona sun blazes down as the Mariners scoot another 3 runs across. We are at the 2.25 hour mark, and just barely past halfway. But hey, Tim Lopes hit another double, and Luis Liberato got to scoot his way around from first base! I’m running out of ener—

DYLAN MOORE HIT A BALL TO SPACE, WE’RE GONNA WIN IT ALL

This is true. The Cubs announcers have identified us as a squad with “a lot of moxie” who “is not gonna quit.” This is huge, if true, reader. It is 13-9.

6th Inning

Here come the substitutions! Julio enters the game along with, uh, Sam Haggerty and Jose Marmolejos, among others. I feel my interest perking up, and am rewarded by freshly-haircutted Gerson Bautista buzz-sawing his way through the Cubs’ backup hitters, with two quick swinging K’s and a weak grounder.

Julio leads off the bottom of the inning and, sigh, foul tips for the strikeout on a pretty rough swing at a breaking ball from Brock Stewart. Cal Raleigh follows. He’s used his offseason to grow an impressive goatee that ages him at least 7 years. The goatee is unable to catch up to a Brock Stewart fastball, though.

7th Inning

On comes Rule 5 Pick Yohan Ramirez, who Jerry raved about after his first bullpen. First they take him off the screen to show the new design of the Phillie Phanatic. Please release me from this prison. Ramirez pumps a fastball and I feel my eyes widen very slightly. He follows with a curve that misses the zone but also looks like it has about 27” of vertical break. Another fastball. The camera angle in Peoria isn’t “good”, but you can still see how his fastball just moves... differently. It has a lot of armside run and I also am excited to get more radar readings from him. He yields a double, but boy, it is fun to watch his pitches.

Karma brings my reward for this praise, as someone called PJ Higgins yanks a fastball into the bullpen. 15-9. I find myself wondering if Jerry Dipoto starts the wave at baseball games. Yohan bounces a pitch in front of the plate, and also gets a strikeout? Like I said, he’s pretty fun in a “Big Nuke LaLoosh Energy” kind of way.

Anyway, the Mariners have now scored double-digit runs. I don’t mean to downplay the fun of having baseball back. It’s better to have baseball than to have no baseball. But man. This game is at the three hour mark. It has seen twenty five runs on twenty four hits. Gerson Bautista is the only Mariner to escape unscathed. There’s just a lot to process, okay? A lot to process very slowly while also knowing that it doesn’t matter. Sam Haggerty did just beat out a grounder, though, and I got a little out of breath watching him do it. I wish I still had a donut.

8th Inning

The inning opens with the Cubs running mic’d up footage of Albert Almora Jr., who is wearing a microphone. It is the worst mic’d up segment of all time, as Almora says precisely one (1) word (“thanks”) in the entire segment, leaving us to listen to the vague mutterings picked up from the first base coach.

Aaron Fletcher is on to pitch, though, and we get a look at his funky, nearly sidearm arm action with a twist in his windup that reminds me of King Felix just enough to make me a little sad. Fletcher snags two quick outs, then a single, then joins the grand tradition of Mariner pitchers since noon today and allows a run, but also strikes out Miguel Amaya on a nice slider.

Julio leads off the bottom of the 8th and gets oh so very close to sending a ball to space, but juuuuust misses the sweet spot on a pitch on his hands and it dies on the edge of the warning track in center field. Then Cal Raleigh hits an infield single, which, sure, what a ridiculous game this is. Connor Hoover promptly erases them both.

9th Inning

Getting here by the 3:25 mark feels like a massive accomplishment, truthfully, especially in a game that looks more like a bad December Bears game than a baseball game. But if the Mariners can just mount a successful 2-minute offense...

First, Sam Delaplane, who comes on and immediately generates a swing and miss that makes me chortle. He gets a strikeout, then a groundout, then a flyout, and also, you know who’s done a nice job today? Cal Raleigh. His framing is subtle and quiet but effective, particularly low in the zone. The defense playing up would be really nice for a guy some scouts wondered about behind the plate.

The bottom of the 9th was played and brought the total runs to 28, which, sure. I do also think the Cubs announcers went the entire game without noticing that Jerry Dipoto was watching from directly behind the umpire, which is a little funny.

Anyway, this sure was a game. If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you very much, reader.