NEW year, newly single? Today marks the first Monday of 2020 and while, for some, this may mean the start of a fitness regime, for others it can mean a break-up.
Today is Divorce Day when most long-term or married couples call it quits after tensions at Christmas highlight problems in relationships.
But one type of split does not fit all.
From ghosting to consciously uncoupling, JENNY FRANCIS talks to four women about how their relationships came to an end.
CLEANING company manager Victoria Lawrence was looking at houses and talking engagement with boyfriend of four years Josh Moyle*, 27, an IT project manager, when he disappeared out of her life. Victoria, from Truro, Cornwall, says:
I WAS 19 when I met Josh through friends in March, 2014.
He was 23 and we just hit it off straight away. We moved in together seven months later. We rarely argued and, after three years together, we discussed how we would be great parents and wanted two kids.
We even talked about possible names.
That conversation always led to chats about marriage and we’d fantasise about our wedding day and who we would invite.
In 2018, we started saving for a house together and applied for a first-time homeowner loan.
A few months later we went to a jewellery shop together so I could try on some rings.
In January last year, Josh had spent two weeks in London doing a course.
When he got home he walked straight upstairs and started packing a bag.
I followed him to our room and he told me our relationship was over. He said I wasn’t the girl for him and he’d accepted a promotion in Edinburgh and was moving there straight away.
He wouldn’t answer any of my questions and within 20 minutes walked out of the flat.
I instantly tried calling him but his phone was off and my texts wouldn’t deliver to his number.
I spent most of the night ringing his mates but none of them knew what was going on.
Three days later a friend came to the flat saying Josh had asked him to get his things.
Josh had changed his number and I had no forwarding address.
It was like he just disappeared and I was left feeling numb.
It drove me insane with all the unanswered questions.
I still have never heard from him to this day and am only just getting over the stress of being ghosted.
*names changed
WHEN events manager Ella Harrison found out her partner of three-and-a-half years Nick James*, 31, a property developer, had cheated on her, their relationship turned toxic. Ella, from Ilford, East London, says:
I first met Nick at a friend’s party in November 2015.
After three months we moved in together and it just worked.
Then, after three years together, we were still really passionate in bed and talked openly about our future together.
Last February we started looking at some flats to buy and everything seemed to be fine.
But towards the end of 2019, Nick was in the shower when his phone kept pinging with text messages.
I looked and saw texts from a person called James.
James was one of his best friends at work so I wasn’t concerned about reading them. But as I did, my heart just sank.
The texts were asking what time he would be “getting away from Ella” to meet and saying how much they missed him.
The next thing to come through was a picture of a woman’s cleavage.
I scrolled up through the old messages and saw they had been meeting for the last six months. I felt absolutely sick.
When he came out of the shower I confronted him and he eventually admitted he had been seeing a woman from work.
After a lot of shouting I told him that I needed space and made him leave the flat.
I assumed he would be begging for me to forgive him, but over the next few weeks he bombarded me with angry texts and really abusive phone messages.
When we arranged to speak on the phone it always ended in bitter arguments and we both spent the last month together saying the worst things possible to each other.
It was incredibly toxic and made us both into horrible people.
We eventually split but I was so stressed about it all that my GP referred me to a counsellor to talk through my anger.
*names changed
AIRPORT lounge attendant Catriona McIntyre and former partner Will Bunting, a lifeguard, came up with a break-up strategy when their relationship reached the end of the road and they remain the best of friends. Catriona, from Southampton, says:
WILL and I met at college in 2016.
We were in the same classes and within a couple of months were together 24/7.
I went to university and Will got a job as a lifeguard.
We loved cooking meals together and going to the theatre.
Everyone always said we would be the first to get married.
But after three years together we found ourselves in a relationship rut.
Things had been intense from the beginning and our career goals were very different.
The relationship was turning from romantic to friendship but we were scared breaking up would mean we’d never be in each other’s lives.
So we devised a positive break-up plan and decided to consciously uncouple.
We spent time together mourning our relationship.
Then we calmly split our belongings and vowed to talk a few times a week.
Will moved to Sidcup in South East London to pursue his new career and has a new girlfriend. I have a boyfriend.
We’ve both met each other’s partners and go on double dates. We’re proud of our break-up.
FULL-TIME mum-of-one Hannah Carelse and her ex-partner Benjamin De-Rowe, a retail merchandiser, from Gillingham, Kent, were helped by their nine-year-old daughter Aimee after breaking up. Hannah says:
WE both love computer games and met in 2009 playing Call Of Duty online.
Within two months I’d moved in and just over a year later, in May 2010, our daughter Aimee was born.
Ben wanted to be closer to his family so we moved to Cornwall and, as a young mum, I found it incredibly lonely.
I tried to keep myself busy but it put strain on our relationship.
We argued and I struggled with feeling unsupported.
In August 2011 we broke up and I moved to Croydon in South London to live with my dad.
All we did was argue and it got so bad we ended up in court battling over custody of our daughter.
The whole process made us hate each other and that hate stuck for years after. It was three years later that our daughter started asking us why we weren’t friends.
It was so tough seeing her in the middle of it and it was this comment that made us soften.
We started being nicer to each other and sent the odd text message picture of our daughter to one another.
It felt nice to drop the anger and Aimee loved seeing us get along, which spurred us on.
Eventually, Ben would stay for tea or sleep in the spare room and we started remembering fun times together.
Now we give each other gifts at Christmas and for birthdays and genuinely care about what is happening in each other’s lives.
We’d never get back together but we’ve gone from anger to friendship and I’m so proud of where we are now.
